Comical Conversationalist Gifts

Studies show almost everybody believes that they're an above average driver. Most people also think they're better looking than their driver's license photo.

'It's all about hunting and killing with you, isn't it? Why can't you just have fun in the woods?'

'If we're reindeer, why are we always in the snow?'

"Idea?" "No. Just a light bulb."

"It's no good, Bertie—we must either find some other place to meet or break off the affair altogether."

'That's the corkage fee you wanted to ask about, Jack, not the cleavage fee!'

Remember my mum? I took that photo a week before she died. There's one of me...that was a good haircut.

"I love it when your eyes blaze like that; you remind me of Moses."

Crow and fox

"Darling, do you ever worry that we're becoming some sort of Merchant-Ivory production?"

Kid to kid: 'I can't be wearing out my welcome. I didn't even step on it.'

Jokes machine.

'I understand you know how to treat a woman.'

'Casual Friday's never caught on in this department.'

"Why... are there so many people who never eat pork? Because we have some excellent PR people working on our behalf."

"Are we ‘still working’? No, we’re still eating. You, however, are ‘still working’—now get lost!"

"Do excuse me, I've got a nuttiness allergy."

"Now can I be in one of your comics?"

LEMONADE, 'Actually, I hate places like this.'

The Algonquin Round Table

Bat out of Hell

So, what brings you two here today? Amanda Kern. Comics counseling.

Student: 'Is the medical marijuana thing a grass-roots movement?'

"Virginia Woolf meets 'Car Talk.'"

"So, what is your star sign?"

"Tell her I'm exercising my twenty-first amendment rights."

"You sure are ringin' my bell, Baby!"

Sigh. They never ask me to play.

'The bar association barred me from going before the bar...So I came to a bar.'

'Fancy a good time - no strings attached?'

'According to my Dad, bosses are just like headmasters. The only difference is that they give you money every month.'

"Have you ever licked cream off a woman's body?"

"Gracie, you're a good mud artist."

'Every time I go on an ego trip, I get hijacked by terrorists!'

Quizzo tonight! Win a tee shirt! Trivia is my middle name, but I have all the tee shirts I need. So, tell me something: Are there Quizzo groupies?