Comic Conversationalist Gifts

Sigh. They never ask me to play.

"Idea?" "No. Just a light bulb."

"I love it when your eyes blaze like that; you remind me of Moses."

"It's no good, Bertie—we must either find some other place to meet or break off the affair altogether."

"Darling, do you ever worry that we're becoming some sort of Merchant-Ivory production?"

Crow and fox

'Casual Friday's never caught on in this department.'

LEMONADE, 'Actually, I hate places like this.'

"Do excuse me, I've got a nuttiness allergy."

"Are we ‘still working’? No, we’re still eating. You, however, are ‘still working’—now get lost!"

Jokes machine.

"Now can I be in one of your comics?"

'I understand you know how to treat a woman.'

"Why... are there so many people who never eat pork? Because we have some excellent PR people working on our behalf."

The Algonquin Round Table

"So, what is your star sign?"

Student: 'Is the medical marijuana thing a grass-roots movement?'

So, what brings you two here today? Amanda Kern. Comics counseling.

"Virginia Woolf meets 'Car Talk.'"

'The bar association barred me from going before the bar...So I came to a bar.'

"Tell her I'm exercising my twenty-first amendment rights."

"You sure are ringin' my bell, Baby!"

Bat out of Hell

Quizzo tonight! Win a tee shirt! Trivia is my middle name, but I have all the tee shirts I need. So, tell me something: Are there Quizzo groupies?

'Every time I go on an ego trip, I get hijacked by terrorists!'

"Have you ever licked cream off a woman's body?"

"Try the fish. It's brain food"

'My favorite position? Chairperson of the Board.'

"I don't think you can claim that Martin Amis plaguerised your work just because you both used the words 'to','if' and 'but' on page 46."

"Must you always be so anthropomorphic?"

"When we talked on the phone I never said that I was a non-drinking man! I said a one-drink man!"

"Mr. Peanut is my dad—you can call me Rick."

"I can't live without you in my life, but I can live without you in my way.''

Lite Marriage.

'Would you say this glass is half empty or half full?'