Conversational Comic Gifts

'I tried to join the local rambling club - but the man on the phone just went on and on and on..."

Turd - 'It's one of a kind.'

"In hindsight, we shouldn't have had him cremated."

"My dad can't talk yet, but he's learned to wave bye-bye."

'May I suggest a pleasant viognier to put the subtext into gear?'

'Hey! You're not for real, are you man?'

Sigh. They never ask me to play.

So, what brings you two here today? Amanda Kern. Comics counseling.

'A Telegram, M'Lord.'

'In that case we will ALL wait for the results of the lab assistant's DNA test on the chalk.'

"Oh, just cellaring. You?"

"Is this the wobbly table? I'll put my screenplay under this leg."

"All the good ones are neutered."

"I'm using my married name right now, but I'm keeping my maiden name on ice, just in case."

"Yeah, I'm selling my bowling balls. Free delivery to anyone who lives downhill."

"I broke it off with him when I realized his love of quinoa was but a sham."

"Can you hear me now?"

Parking validation

I'm finally done celebrating the State of the Union address. What are you talking about? House of Java.net CyberCafe. Every year after the speech, I drive cross-country and date ladies from every region, and of every race, creed and color. It's my way of spending time with like-minded patriots to celebrate how we're all more similar than we are different. Whether you're in California, the deep south or far-off Hawaii, you're never more than a 2-hour drive from miniature golf. Think about that.

'Red capes no longer bother me, due to my anger counselling.'

"I thought I was a writer, but it turned out to be a chemical imbalance."

"Why is it sooo difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking. . . ?"

Jewish hospitals

"It's a lovingly handcrafted beer, citra and summit hopped, with notes of lime, passion fruit and ...."

'Baseball isn't a religion Eddie.'

Bob tries out his new sleazeball checker.

Look at you. The vacant stare

'It's all about hunting and killing with you, isn't it? Why can't you just have fun in the woods?'

Snakes Have Speech Impediments.

Conversation Topics and Guidelines Approved for this Area...

"Stop talking. This is a cha cha, not a chat chat!"

We aren't talking about you -- I said "ribbit"!

Candidates for Water Divining

"Can we stop talking about turmeric now?"

"I've just joined a support group for boring people."