Comedic Linguist T-Shirts

I'm a logofile, Lance. That means I'm a lover of words. What's the word for a lover of logs? "#@%=$!"

'According to the bottle, these are 24-hour pain reliever pills that will kill pain before you realize you're feeling pain, and. . .'

No Parking - Scandal or No Scandal

Yomp Foundation Presentation committee: 'Don't let the gong intimidate you!'

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

Zoo: No Hunting.

"If you think you made a stink pulling the fruit, try pulling His finger."

"Call me 'pops' one more time and I'll lace 'ya one!"

I'm not substitute teaching after all. How come? They wanted a criminal background check! I was a principal for 15 years. They know me! Yes, but

"She bathes him. She feeds him. She burps him. Mother's a real micromanager."

'He keeps grounding out the energy flow.'

"That's enough about the noggin and the schnoz. Let's move on to the tummy-wummy and the keister."

"There Adam. Isn't that a lot more comfortable than that silly little fig leaf?"

Genetic Fingerprinting.

'Don't call the Nobel Committee just yet: We forgot to calibrate the instruments before the experiment...'

'I'm sorry Martha, but I've fallen in love with a light bulb.'

'This stuff is all well and good son, but when are you going to get a proper job?'

I must be losing my grip, he didn't query the bill...

'As soon as I mention Nietzsche - stop serving me, okay.'

"You sure are ringin' my bell, Baby!"

"Don't think of it as forgetting stuff. Think of it as freeing up brain space."

'Well, you heard wrong -- Zen Buddhism doesn't have a Missouri Synod.'

"If atheism is a religion, why hasn't it broken up into splinter groups who murder each other?"

Pop up begger.

Monkey Business College

"Please excuse our appearance while our records are being impounded."

"You want to go shopping in Lisbon? Honey, give me 10 seconds to sign the order to invade Portugal!"

"The school construction budget is so small we can't even afford to build a snowman."

'We've minimized your tax liability by losing a lot of your principle.'

"If Einstein is correct, when we get back, my car will have been double parked for 320 years."

'Listen son-if God had wanted us to fly he would have given us air tickets.'

So the short answer is no; these aren't billable hours.

The next step in human evolution was homophilanthropist.

I think of "The Fusco Brothers" as a modern-day "Bonanza." Only instead of four cowboys, we have four bums, and instead of a cook named Hop Sing, we have a wolverine named Axel. Is there a term for this fantasy? "Ponderosa Nervosa."

"I expected to see some politicians in there!"