Comedic Contrarian Gifts

Mobile reception

"I quit the NRA and joined a bunch of guys with harpoons."

'Butterworth was encountering a slight problem with the latest addition to his aquarium'

' Buy a lady a gallon of unleaded...? '

No Parking - Scandal or No Scandal

'The World will speak hip-hop tomorrow.'

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

Zoo: No Hunting.

"Call me 'pops' one more time and I'll lace 'ya one!"

'Just sitting around letting advertisers brainwash me. What about you?'

"There Adam. Isn't that a lot more comfortable than that silly little fig leaf?"

I'm not substitute teaching after all. How come? They wanted a criminal background check! I was a principal for 15 years. They know me! Yes, but

'He keeps grounding out the energy flow.'

"She bathes him. She feeds him. She burps him. Mother's a real micromanager."

Whiskey wars

I must be losing my grip, he didn't query the bill...

'I'm sorry Martha, but I've fallen in love with a light bulb.'

'Ick! -- I'd never vote for anybody with hair like THAT!'

'This stuff is all well and good son, but when are you going to get a proper job?'

"It's not just me, Dad. Amazon.com has never made a cent, either."

'As soon as I mention Nietzsche - stop serving me, okay.'

'Listen son-if God had wanted us to fly he would have given us air tickets.'

"If atheism is a religion, why hasn't it broken up into splinter groups who murder each other?"

Pop up begger.

"The school construction budget is so small we can't even afford to build a snowman."

"Please excuse our appearance while our records are being impounded."

'Well, you heard wrong -- Zen Buddhism doesn't have a Missouri Synod.'

'We've minimized your tax liability by losing a lot of your principle.'

"If Einstein is correct, when we get back, my car will have been double parked for 320 years."

Boris Johnson lies his way out of trouble

So the short answer is no; these aren't billable hours.

I think of "The Fusco Brothers" as a modern-day "Bonanza." Only instead of four cowboys, we have four bums, and instead of a cook named Hop Sing, we have a wolverine named Axel. Is there a term for this fantasy? "Ponderosa Nervosa."

"Great pet, but we should have given him less energy."

The next step in human evolution was homophilanthropist.

"I expected to see some politicians in there!"