Comedic Contrarian Pillows

Mobile reception

"I quit the NRA and joined a bunch of guys with harpoons."

'Butterworth was encountering a slight problem with the latest addition to his aquarium'

' Buy a lady a gallon of unleaded...? '

No Parking - Scandal or No Scandal

'The World will speak hip-hop tomorrow.'

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

Zoo: No Hunting.

'Just sitting around letting advertisers brainwash me. What about you?'

"Call me 'pops' one more time and I'll lace 'ya one!"

"There Adam. Isn't that a lot more comfortable than that silly little fig leaf?"

'He keeps grounding out the energy flow.'

"She bathes him. She feeds him. She burps him. Mother's a real micromanager."

Whiskey wars

'Ick! -- I'd never vote for anybody with hair like THAT!'

I must be losing my grip, he didn't query the bill...

'This stuff is all well and good son, but when are you going to get a proper job?'

'I'm sorry Martha, but I've fallen in love with a light bulb.'

'As soon as I mention Nietzsche - stop serving me, okay.'

'Well, you heard wrong -- Zen Buddhism doesn't have a Missouri Synod.'

"If atheism is a religion, why hasn't it broken up into splinter groups who murder each other?"

"The school construction budget is so small we can't even afford to build a snowman."

"Please excuse our appearance while our records are being impounded."

'Listen son-if God had wanted us to fly he would have given us air tickets.'

'We've minimized your tax liability by losing a lot of your principle.'

Pop up begger.

Boris Johnson lies his way out of trouble

The next step in human evolution was homophilanthropist.

"I expected to see some politicians in there!"

Tree growing

"So, all this talk about appealing to our better angels..."

"Great pet, but we should have given him less energy."

"What if we don't like their country personas?"

'I don't remember his name, but he also sold me $14,000 worth of aluminum siding.'