Comedic Critique Gifts

"Why would leaders agree to be honored with a mattress sale?"

"I told you so."

"It's not just me, Dad. Amazon.com has never made a cent, either."

"There's a tax receipt on the back of the stick up note. We donate 10% of all proceeds to local charities."

'The patient said he brushed regularly, but his dentist knew better.'

I'M WITH STUPID, 'It's all right - He can't read.'

Barber holding up list of options.

Boris Johnson lies his way out of trouble

No Parking - Scandal or No Scandal

'The World will speak hip-hop tomorrow.'

'Just sitting around letting advertisers brainwash me. What about you?'

"Call me 'pops' one more time and I'll lace 'ya one!"

"She bathes him. She feeds him. She burps him. Mother's a real micromanager."

Thought for today: "All the world's a stage." Shakespeare. And boy, are there a lot of drama critics! (Published originally on February 9, 2013).

Pessimists v Optimists.

Whiskey wars

'Ick! -- I'd never vote for anybody with hair like THAT!'

"The school construction budget is so small we can't even afford to build a snowman."

"Please excuse our appearance while our records are being impounded."

'You should never wear a green parrot with a blue suit.'

Pop up begger.

Animal Olympics: 'What do you say next year we have some non-cheetah races?'

'The footprints in the cheesecake were inconclusive, but my DNA was all over the peanut butter pie.'

Right now my brother Al is paying a psychiatrist a hundred bucks an hour to hear his troubles, while I'm drinking beer and telling you mine at happy hour prices. Obviously, Al IS the crazy one.

"Do I take it that we can't be guaranteed your vote in the forthcoming election?"

"How dare you not salute the goddess? You'll burn at the stake for this, damn heretic!"

'It wasn't the strength of your argument. It was your breath.'

'I'm all talked out. Let's look into some gene therapy.'

"Is there anybody there?"

"That's the plus of our lifestyle: The trophy hunters just look at us, sigh and move on..."

Fisherman Funneral

"I understand she's marrying him for his condominium in Fort Lauderdale."

"Excuse me - could you tell me which recession we are in at the moment?"

'It just seem excessive, somehow -- buying a big-screen, high-definition TV to watch Geraldo with.'

'I'm a genetically modified fish aimed at the environmentalist market.'