Comedic Commentary Gifts

'Who screened the career day speakers, Ms Phelps?'

No Parking - Scandal or No Scandal

'The World will speak hip-hop tomorrow.'

"Call me 'pops' one more time and I'll lace 'ya one!"

'Just sitting around letting advertisers brainwash me. What about you?'

"She bathes him. She feeds him. She burps him. Mother's a real micromanager."

"It's not just me, Dad. Amazon.com has never made a cent, either."

'Ick! -- I'd never vote for anybody with hair like THAT!'

Pop up begger.

"Please excuse our appearance while our records are being impounded."

"The school construction budget is so small we can't even afford to build a snowman."

Boris Johnson lies his way out of trouble

Animal Olympics: 'What do you say next year we have some non-cheetah races?'

'I'm all talked out. Let's look into some gene therapy.'

"The first week back is always the hardest"

'It wasn't the strength of your argument. It was your breath.'

Right now my brother Al is paying a psychiatrist a hundred bucks an hour to hear his troubles, while I'm drinking beer and telling you mine at happy hour prices. Obviously, Al IS the crazy one.

"How dare you not salute the goddess? You'll burn at the stake for this, damn heretic!"

"For me it's all about the craft of acting."

"Do I take it that we can't be guaranteed your vote in the forthcoming election?"

'I hope we don't start getting competition from redundant bankers homes.'

"That's the plus of our lifestyle: The trophy hunters just look at us, sigh and move on..."

'It just seem excessive, somehow -- buying a big-screen, high-definition TV to watch Geraldo with.'

'I'm a genetically modified fish aimed at the environmentalist market.'

Fisherman Funneral

"I understand she's marrying him for his condominium in Fort Lauderdale."

"Excuse me - could you tell me which recession we are in at the moment?"

London Congestion & Polution Zone - 'What's your problem? I thought Boris was in charge now.'

"Good Dad, Bad Dad"

Analysts have said the US and Russia are closer to nuclear war than ever. The outcome of the election tomorrow will probably determine whether we live in mediocrity … or whether we suffer a nuclear apocalypse in which a crafty café owner, who's squirreled away scones and ammunition in a vast network of underground bunkers, could rise to become feudal warlord of a brand new world. So ... who are you voting for again? The person I've been preparing ever since 2nd grade to vote for.

'You misunderstand, squire. All I do is guarantee that my cars are USED!'

"You read the exit sign. The eye chart is behind you."

Safety Pin

'Elections are easier to understand if you think of them as performance art.'

Unhappy Cows from neighboring states visit California.