Comedic Interpretation Gifts

"The way he stacks those blocks, I see repression, some hostility, and a lot of dissatisfaction with his place in society."

Yomp Foundation Presentation committee: 'Don't let the gong intimidate you!'

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

Zoo: No Hunting.

I'm not substitute teaching after all. How come? They wanted a criminal background check! I was a principal for 15 years. They know me! Yes, but

"There Adam. Isn't that a lot more comfortable than that silly little fig leaf?"

'He keeps grounding out the energy flow.'

'Keep repeating to yourself: I am a high flyer, I will not dive for the salmon.'

Whiskey wars

'I'm sorry Martha, but I've fallen in love with a light bulb.'

"It's not just me, Dad. Amazon.com has never made a cent, either."

I must be losing my grip, he didn't query the bill...

'This stuff is all well and good son, but when are you going to get a proper job?'

'As soon as I mention Nietzsche - stop serving me, okay.'

"If Einstein is correct, when we get back, my car will have been double parked for 320 years."

'We've minimized your tax liability by losing a lot of your principle.'

'I can't understand how those burglars could clean out our house so quietly.'

"If atheism is a religion, why hasn't it broken up into splinter groups who murder each other?"

'Well, you heard wrong -- Zen Buddhism doesn't have a Missouri Synod.'

Boris Johnson lies his way out of trouble

'Listen son-if God had wanted us to fly he would have given us air tickets.'

"Don't think of it as forgetting stuff. Think of it as freeing up brain space."

'Relax... When I said, your husband's swimming with the fishes. I merely meant that he's gone SCUBA diving with the boss.'

I think of "The Fusco Brothers" as a modern-day "Bonanza." Only instead of four cowboys, we have four bums, and instead of a cook named Hop Sing, we have a wolverine named Axel. Is there a term for this fantasy? "Ponderosa Nervosa."

"How dare you not salute the goddess? You'll burn at the stake for this, damn heretic!"

Tree growing

'I don't remember his name, but he also sold me $14,000 worth of aluminum siding.'

"I expected to see some politicians in there!"

So the short answer is no; these aren't billable hours.

The next step in human evolution was homophilanthropist.

"The first week back is always the hardest"

"What if we don't like their country personas?"

"So, all this talk about appealing to our better angels..."

Why is it the universe keeps expanding but there's never any room in my closet?

"Great pet, but we should have given him less energy."