Comedic Insights Gifts

"When you said you were going to look at the figures I didn't know you were going to watch a bikini contest."

"The way he stacks those blocks, I see repression, some hostility, and a lot of dissatisfaction with his place in society."

Yomp Foundation Presentation committee: 'Don't let the gong intimidate you!'

'The World will speak hip-hop tomorrow.'

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

Zoo: No Hunting.

'Just sitting around letting advertisers brainwash me. What about you?'

"There Adam. Isn't that a lot more comfortable than that silly little fig leaf?"

I'm not substitute teaching after all. How come? They wanted a criminal background check! I was a principal for 15 years. They know me! Yes, but

'He keeps grounding out the energy flow.'

'Keep repeating to yourself: I am a high flyer, I will not dive for the salmon.'

Spiro & Pusho: watering the vine and the neighbour.

'Ick! -- I'd never vote for anybody with hair like THAT!'

'I'm sorry Martha, but I've fallen in love with a light bulb.'

'This stuff is all well and good son, but when are you going to get a proper job?'

I must be losing my grip, he didn't query the bill...

"It's not just me, Dad. Amazon.com has never made a cent, either."

'As soon as I mention Nietzsche - stop serving me, okay.'

'Well, you heard wrong -- Zen Buddhism doesn't have a Missouri Synod.'

"If atheism is a religion, why hasn't it broken up into splinter groups who murder each other?"

'We've minimized your tax liability by losing a lot of your principle.'

'Listen son-if God had wanted us to fly he would have given us air tickets.'

'I can't understand how those burglars could clean out our house so quietly.'

"Don't think of it as forgetting stuff. Think of it as freeing up brain space."

"If Einstein is correct, when we get back, my car will have been double parked for 320 years."

Boris Johnson lies his way out of trouble

Tree growing

When psychiatry works too well!

I think of "The Fusco Brothers" as a modern-day "Bonanza." Only instead of four cowboys, we have four bums, and instead of a cook named Hop Sing, we have a wolverine named Axel. Is there a term for this fantasy? "Ponderosa Nervosa."

"I expected to see some politicians in there!"

"So, all this talk about appealing to our better angels..."

So the short answer is no; these aren't billable hours.

"The first week back is always the hardest"

The next step in human evolution was homophilanthropist.

'I don't remember his name, but he also sold me $14,000 worth of aluminum siding.'