Comedic Introspection Enthusiast Gifts

"Last week I got in touch with my inner-child...turns out he's a bed wetter!"

"I feel like my parents didn't want me."

Wedding Day Itinerary.

No Parking - Scandal or No Scandal

Zoo: No Hunting.

"Call me 'pops' one more time and I'll lace 'ya one!"

"Boss, I guarantee you that my intentions with your daughter are serious."

"She bathes him. She feeds him. She burps him. Mother's a real micromanager."

'Please, could you me to Polish my diet!'

'He keeps grounding out the energy flow.'

I'm not substitute teaching after all. How come? They wanted a criminal background check! I was a principal for 15 years. They know me! Yes, but

"And last week I nearly crashed while reading on the freeway..."

I must be losing my grip, he didn't query the bill...

''It's me or your stupid racing pigeons' I said - then immediately regretted it.'

Pop up begger.

'We've minimized your tax liability by losing a lot of your principle.'

"Please excuse our appearance while our records are being impounded."

"The school construction budget is so small we can't even afford to build a snowman."

Animal Olympics: 'What do you say next year we have some non-cheetah races?'

"Young lady! You aren't going anywhere dressed like that!"

"You heading south again this summer?"

When psychiatry works too well!

Tree growing

So the short answer is no; these aren't billable hours.

'I don't remember his name, but he also sold me $14,000 worth of aluminum siding.'

"I expected to see some politicians in there!"

How cats see their home

Right now my brother Al is paying a psychiatrist a hundred bucks an hour to hear his troubles, while I'm drinking beer and telling you mine at happy hour prices. Obviously, Al IS the crazy one.

I think of "The Fusco Brothers" as a modern-day "Bonanza." Only instead of four cowboys, we have four bums, and instead of a cook named Hop Sing, we have a wolverine named Axel. Is there a term for this fantasy? "Ponderosa Nervosa."

"Do I take it that we can't be guaranteed your vote in the forthcoming election?"

"When I said the surgery was minimally invasive I wasn't talking about your finances."

'I'm all talked out. Let's look into some gene therapy.'

"Sales rep from Milton Keynes? You prove he no British spymaster who sent you on secret mission to Bananastan?"

'You thought I'd gone out of business? What gave you that idea?'

'I hope we don't start getting competition from redundant bankers homes.'