Comedic Contrasts Gifts

Pessimists v Optimists.

"Is there anybody there?"

No Parking - Scandal or No Scandal

"Call me 'pops' one more time and I'll lace 'ya one!"

Boyfriend of the Month.

"She bathes him. She feeds him. She burps him. Mother's a real micromanager."

Spiro & Pusho: watering the vine and the neighbour.

Whiskey wars

"I hope you love me for my money, not for who I am."

Obese man using a exercise machine. His false teeth are flying out.

Pop up begger.

"The school construction budget is so small we can't even afford to build a snowman."

"Please excuse our appearance while our records are being impounded."

"We got him onto an exercise bike, but I'm afraid it was too late."

Boris Johnson lies his way out of trouble

"We should take life one step at a time." "OK, but not right now...there's some dogs do-do right in front of us!"

"How dare you not salute the goddess? You'll burn at the stake for this, damn heretic!"

'It wasn't the strength of your argument. It was your breath.'

"Do I take it that we can't be guaranteed your vote in the forthcoming election?"

'I hope we don't start getting competition from redundant bankers homes.'

The End is Near. Have A Cone.

"Excuse me - could you tell me which recession we are in at the moment?"

London Congestion & Polution Zone - 'What's your problem? I thought Boris was in charge now.'

Husband electronic tagging control centre - Screen reads 'Pub'

'It just seem excessive, somehow -- buying a big-screen, high-definition TV to watch Geraldo with.'

Safety Pin

Two women are hosting a radio show called Ask Sadie.

"Hello?- Anyone here?"

Robot Bores

"But we make a killing on auto repairs...if we encourage people to fix things themselves first."

'Aside from the cockroach, how was everything?'

"My dad really went ballistic! I'm not grounded...I'm under house arrest!"