Comedic Contradiction Fan Gifts

Scuba Skater

"I'd kill for a fresh fruit fritter."

Mort Park! You mean Killer. You're sprung, Killer. I'm free to go? Unless you're so tough now you'd rather stay. I mean a guy named Killer probably likes jail. Mail me my blanky.

Whiskey wars

'In a bizarre set of circumstances, the book salesman never showed up, but a drug rep is here with samples of Prozac.'

Cristoph Willibald Gluck 2nd July 1714

Gym/Tan/Donut

An expedition to get ice for the party.

'I'm a genetically modified fish aimed at the environmentalist market.'

"Well, of course you have a heart."

How come nothing good ever happens to me? Like what? Like getting taken by a foreign government then rescued. I want to get a book contract, to be part of the news cycle, to have him talk about me. Whom? Speak my name, Anderson Cooper! The great one.

"One day, son, all this will be....Never mind."

LARGE FRONT

Used car salesman to man: 'And this one was driven by a little old lady ...er ...uh ... with 36 grandchildren.'

'Traitor! I hate you!'

Look at you. The vacant stare

Two men arguing on a train journey

An Oarsman

REPUBLICAN NATIONAL COMMITTEE: 'It says we should have nominated Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy.'

'Well you said you were hot, so should I turn the fan on or not?'

'Ow! I tore something in my elbow, when I pulled out the cork. I thought red wine was supposed to be good for you.'

"I'm wearing one....under the woolen pullover!"

"I'll have the healthy meal, supersized, with a hot fudge sundae and a diet cola."

Cyclists with a pollution guard on having a cigarette

Cats in police lineup

'What kind of idiots would go hunting in this kind of weather?'

"...They look more like Albert's."

You take confusion to a new level, Al. ?