Comedic Irony Fan Gifts

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

'-and you're living proof that ALL men are not born equal, runt!'

"Grapes, Rye, Malt... I got into this through my vegetarianism."

Winter Weather.

'Too many people in our state are overweight, Senator. They want fat-free pork.'

The Dangers of National Safety Week.

"We should have done more to bring all the things we were trying to get away from."

'I've had a few short stories published, but I'd really like to write 'the Great American How to Write a Novel.''

"That's what I love about social media. I can have connections with thousands of people and yet still be completely isolated and alone."

'Wilson, this company needs to be better in touch with today's youth. Pierce your nipples and have a report on my desk by Monday.'

'I let my merit badges do the talking.'

Mary Margaret, the best bar nun.

"He's Right Behind Me, Isn't He?"

'In a bizarre set of circumstances, the book salesman never showed up, but a drug rep is here with samples of Prozac.'

'Ask your doctor if getting your fat butt off the couch might be right for you!'

'Elroy had an unfortunate knack for picking fights with the wrong people'

'5.40pm on the 2nd day....and still waiting for the surveyor'

"Once you break through the plastic clamshell and blister packs, there won't be any packaging left!"

'If you want produce grown on the farm down the road you'll have to go to Kuala Lumpur.'

"Do I look like a wise man to you?"

Gigolo Diary

'Separate rooms please, we're on our second honeymoon.'

"Apparently 'the vest' is making a comeback..."

Excess Baggage: If your vacation plans include 'getting back to nature', but careful what you wish for.

'This photo is hardly suitable for your misery memoir.'

"Beware of dog"

"I've decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, because it's just collecting dust."

'Before I read the investment committee's report - I would remind everyone that I never asked to be on this damn committee.'

"It's time for you to know that your mother and I are for-profit parents."

"What? You were expecting good news? Expectations are so-o-o-o passe."

'Good afternoon, Ma'am -- we clean out refrigerators door-to-door....'

WARNING - This Programme Contains No Strong Language.....

"You'd be a mad cow, too, if you just found out that McDonald's has sold over seventeen zillion hamburgers."

The Side Effect of Self-Awareness

'It's a big step getting married. I need time to think about it - What did you say your name was?'