Comedic Irony Fan Gifts

Mort Park! You mean Killer. You're sprung, Killer. I'm free to go? Unless you're so tough now you'd rather stay. I mean a guy named Killer probably likes jail. Mail me my blanky.

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

'-and you're living proof that ALL men are not born equal, runt!'

"Grapes, Rye, Malt... I got into this through my vegetarianism."

Winter Weather.

'Too many people in our state are overweight, Senator. They want fat-free pork.'

"We should have done more to bring all the things we were trying to get away from."

The Dangers of National Safety Week.

'I've had a few short stories published, but I'd really like to write 'the Great American How to Write a Novel.''

"That's what I love about social media. I can have connections with thousands of people and yet still be completely isolated and alone."

'Wilson, this company needs to be better in touch with today's youth. Pierce your nipples and have a report on my desk by Monday.'

'I let my merit badges do the talking.'

Mary Margaret, the best bar nun.

"He's Right Behind Me, Isn't He?"

'Ask your doctor if getting your fat butt off the couch might be right for you!'

'In a bizarre set of circumstances, the book salesman never showed up, but a drug rep is here with samples of Prozac.'

'5.40pm on the 2nd day....and still waiting for the surveyor'

"Once you break through the plastic clamshell and blister packs, there won't be any packaging left!"

'Elroy had an unfortunate knack for picking fights with the wrong people'

'If you want produce grown on the farm down the road you'll have to go to Kuala Lumpur.'

"Do I look like a wise man to you?"

Gigolo Diary

"I've decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, because it's just collecting dust."

'Separate rooms please, we're on our second honeymoon.'

"Beware of dog"

'This photo is hardly suitable for your misery memoir.'

Excess Baggage: If your vacation plans include 'getting back to nature', but careful what you wish for.

"Apparently 'the vest' is making a comeback..."

'Before I read the investment committee's report - I would remind everyone that I never asked to be on this damn committee.'

"It's time for you to know that your mother and I are for-profit parents."

WARNING - This Programme Contains No Strong Language.....

'Good afternoon, Ma'am -- we clean out refrigerators door-to-door....'

A diet high in cholesterol can be dangerous to your health.

"What? You were expecting good news? Expectations are so-o-o-o passe."

"You'd be a mad cow, too, if you just found out that McDonald's has sold over seventeen zillion hamburgers."