Comedy In Contradiction Gifts

Japanese woman in minimalist house reads 'How to Clutter Your Life'

British savings accounts

'I hate to be so skeptical, but I still think the seance business is a hoax!'

'It's the pink spot, Jim lad - them rascals is going to try and tweak my nipples!'

Thought for today: "All the world's a stage." Shakespeare. And boy, are there a lot of drama critics! (Published originally on February 9, 2013).

Whiskey wars

'The footprints in the cheesecake were inconclusive, but my DNA was all over the peanut butter pie.'

"Just junk mail."

'Let's start with the basics. Find the Red Queen!'

"I'm pregnant."

Frank Loved Bubblewrap

Mime in an Emergency Ward at Hospital

Scuba Skater

Baggage Claim: Anyone Who Knows How To Hot-Wire A Car.

'You wonder what the world would have been like if you were never born?...'

Bad vibes next 3 miles.

"Being vague and general?" "No, that's the first law of psychics, I want the law of phsics."

"Do you have anything fit for a King?"

"So are we just not allowed to gag about certain things at all up here, Al?"

'Let's be frank. Perky isn't right for you.'

"This one allows release of your information to a sitcom."

"There was no large metal object in your rib cage after all. Turns out I was just seeing this old-timey doctor thing on my forehead."

100 Fat. Now with 50 less fat.

'When he said he loved going to Wendy's, I just assumed fast food...'

'Traitor! I hate you!'

'Of course I'm at work with a fever of 104. I'm not going to waste a sick day off when I'm actually sick!'

'Is there an audience in the house?'

"IRS is getting really tough on tax avoiders"

L'Artist

'I'll take everything at the division line. You get the rest.'

Brake Repair Shop

Over Eater's Anonymous.

Plant rose trees in a sunny part of the garden.

101 uses of a dead cat: back scratcher.

'Norman, I think things are going to turn nasty!'