Contrast Comedy Gifts

'I'll take everything at the division line. You get the rest.'

A bear is sat on an armchair with old man slippers.

Japanese woman in minimalist house reads 'How to Clutter Your Life'

'But Honey, if we have kids, we won't be endangered anymore: We will lose all the social benefits and attention...'

Pessimists v Optimists.

"We have a favor to ask."

Obese man using a exercise machine. His false teeth are flying out.

'You should never wear a green parrot with a blue suit.'

"Is there anybody there?"

Two friars ringing bells

"We think he picked it up at the kennel."

'I have a very neat desk but a very messy computer desktop.'

"Do you have anything fit for a King?"

"... a 24 hour mimosa bar, and a 'free love' dating policy! Anyway, how's it been going for you?"

Bad vibes next 3 miles.

"I'm alright, it's my hair...I need more hairspray."

"Being vague and general?" "No, that's the first law of psychics, I want the law of phsics."

"....But....flu season's over."

"No Chateau Lafite '62? Guess I'll have a brewskie."

'That dog won't hunt.' Bird dog in a pink tutu.

Workers in Hazmat suits make sweets

'When he said he loved going to Wendy's, I just assumed fast food...'

'Take no notice of Nigel, he just finds alternative comedy incredibly amusing!'

Scavenenger's hunt.

A yin and yang sign with dripping paint

Passive-aggressive street signs

An Oarsman

"Damn! I forgot the Thermos flask."

'Yeah, well, it's not as good as Disneyland.'

'And this is the green option - six feet of quality jute - We call it a Bag for Death.'

Man begging getting pelted with coins.

"Bag of whisper or sackful of shriek?"

'Norman, I think things are going to turn nasty!'

Going out of business.