Christmas Philosopher Gifts

"It was never about the presents - it's about the power."

"Isn't it about time you tell people they have to pay for this stuff and they're going crazy into debt!?"

"You do realize his ‘nose so bright’ is going to attract a horde of Defense Department drones."

"It's Dr. Sadie. Go ahead, caller." "Yeah, how come you haven't said 'Merry Christmas' yet?" "Oh, that’s because I was hoping to provoke everyone who’s upset about the so-called 'war on Christmas' to spend all their time on hold waiting to castigate me. That way, all the normal people who don’t think Christmas is just another chance to play the victim can open their gifts in peace." "You're welcome, America." "Why haven't you played 'Jingle Bells' yet?"

"'How We Die' - fabulous!"

'Looks like no Christmas bonus this year.'

"Of course, I'm willing to negotiate. . ."

'Naughty? Nice? Santa, I don't deal in absolutes.'

"Who cares what little kids think? What's important is that you believe in yourself."

'I don't believe in myself any more.'

He Sees You When You're Sleeping

Contradictory Phil

'No, I'm not writing to Santa, I'm writing a blog questioning the validity of Santa, since he has no web presence.'

"I'm looking for something that the recipient will be too embarrassed to regift."

'It's almost time to get the cross-country skis out and dust them off.'

'What's all this 'naughty or nice' jazz? ? Haven't you ever heard of situational ethics?'

"I like the Easter Bunny - I find him less judgmental than Santa Claus."

" ... And the kids only like me for my presents."

"The year may be over, but it'll be dragged back up on history tests for years to come."

"Repent, lest the axe of judgement fall upon thee."

'Year after year I play Santa, and I still don't know how to give.'

"I just keep getting this urge to say 'Bah Humbug'!"

'I don't really believe in Santa Claus anymore, but I don't want to disillusion my parents.'

Xmas Labour Shortage

'Buddy, I'll get stinking rich... yesterday, I took out an insurance against pneumonia!'

"I told the carol singers where to go in no uncertain terms, so that's saved us some money!"

Santa's elevator

'Well it was a pretty good year.'

'I'm facing unemployment! The world is running out of nice kids!'

"All I know is that some of the best Christmas presents I've ever gotten have come from secular humanists."

'Hey Larry! Jim here! Haven't seen you since way last Christmas! How the heck are ya, dude?'

'About this patriarchal middle-class morality of yours....'

"Naughty? Nice? It's a bit more nuanced than that..."

"I'm looking for something that expresses the spirit of the season but doesn't neglect the need for a credible deterrent."

'What I like about Christmas is that wonderful feeling of freedom when it's all over.'