Christmas Realist Gifts

"There are never sleigh tracks on our roof, or soot tracks on our carpet. Maybe you're just fake news?"

"But he had a mask and I thought he was a burglar."

"It's Dr. Sadie. Go ahead, caller." "Yeah, how come you haven't said 'Merry Christmas' yet?" "Oh, that’s because I was hoping to provoke everyone who’s upset about the so-called 'war on Christmas' to spend all their time on hold waiting to castigate me. That way, all the normal people who don’t think Christmas is just another chance to play the victim can open their gifts in peace." "You're welcome, America." "Why haven't you played 'Jingle Bells' yet?"

'Looks like no Christmas bonus this year.'

"Of course, I'm willing to negotiate. . ."

"I hate this time of year."

'Well, the magic of Christmas is officially over, unless it includes waking up to a septic tank backup.'

"It was only when I started to write the story of my life that I realised I'd forgotten to have one."

'After talking to him. it's clear our only hope for a bonus this year is Santa Claus.'

"This year let's choose a Christmas card design that reflects the situation the country is in. Let's go for a design that says: Bah humbug!"

"I'm looking for something that the recipient will be too embarrassed to regift."

'He's determined not to enjoy himself this Christmas.'

"My new year's resolution. . . .Not to drink out of the toilet."

"How can Santa eat all those cookies and drink all that milk in one night? Well, like everything else when it comes to Santa, it's magic. . ."

"My primary challenge is to strip away the hardened carapace of societal expectations..."

Dear Diary...Resolutions

"I just keep getting this urge to say 'Bah Humbug'!"

'I can't read my New Year's resolutions -- I must have spilled beer on them last night.'

"I told the carol singers where to go in no uncertain terms, so that's saved us some money!"

"Those image resolutions are crystal clear, but it's my New Year's resolutions that are getting pretty fuzzy."

Who am I kidding?

'I hate Christmas!'

"It's a list of tariffs to be paid"

Japanese disaster

'Despite what they sing, I don't think Christmas is really the season to be jolly...'

'What I like about Christmas is that wonderful feeling of freedom when it's all over.'

"It was never about the presents - it's about the power."

Christmas in the Streets.

Today, Human Rights Watch sued a man named Santa Claus for discrimination against his employees by calling them 'dwarfs'.

'Do you ever wonder where elves come from?'

'Could you put me into an induced coma for four weeks?'

Book about the real meaning of Christmas is on sale.

Santa Sucks

"My lawyer will present my case that I was definitely 'nice'."

"I'm having a dry January...Dry Martini, dry sherry, dry gin..."