Post-holiday Philosopher Gifts

'Tell your brother to stop it before Dill starts crying.'

Sally woke up with a headache. This house didn't look familiar. There was a rug burn on her forehead. Three good reasons to quit drinking.

'No, I'm not writing to Santa, I'm writing a blog questioning the validity of Santa, since he has no web presence.'

"You could always make me laugh but you didn't."

'It's almost time to get the cross-country skis out and dust them off.'

The End is Relative

'What's all this 'naughty or nice' jazz? ? Haven't you ever heard of situational ethics?'

"Bob returned to the office after the shut down and found his lucky bamboo plant had flourished."

"Would it have killed you to shave first?"

'Buddy, I'll get stinking rich... yesterday, I took out an insurance against pneumonia!'

"I dreamed my parents were still alive."

'All I hope for is that the weekdays don't ruin my weekend.'

'This is the fourth single woman to attack the Valentine's display this week.'

MAN OF THE YEAR, 'You must come here a lot.'

"It was never about the presents - it's about the power."

"And this is where the magic happens."

December 26th . . . The Returns

"Beats hanging around the water cooler."

"Don't let the new boss catch you having a cigarette break...there's a rumour he watches his staff like a hawk!"

"I'll have a pastrami on rye!"

'Does this bed have a sleep number?'

Walt's train of thought left at 9:05. He wasn't on it.

"So weird not wearing a mask."

"We allow him to use the vending machine as his desk. He was making so many trips to it it only made sense."

"And remember, dear, if you want to know the time don't ask a policeman."

Let's not do anything you'll think was a good idea in the morning. !! !!

Well, you know what they say? Aspire to inspire before you expire.

'You know how we drink to forget? Well, Arnold over there is our polar opposite.'

Once again, "Black Friday" has led to "in-the-red" Saturday. Credit statement.

I'm so sick of 2017, Randy. What? It's still 2016. I know. But everyone's saying how horrible 2016 is and how they can't wait for it to be over. I don't want to be part of the herd, I want to be a trendsetter. There are better ways to be a trendsetter, little buddy. #hashtag-2017-stinks.

"I understand your concern, but you don't have to wear that suit when getting on a public website. That's not how germs are spread."

"Your dad is still shy... He turns off the light before he takes off his mask!"

"Do we even have a garbage disposal?"

Isn't it nice to exchange some good old-fashioned germs again?

"Sure, I've thought about quitting, but the pay's too good."