Bad Marriage Gifts

"My mother warned me about marrying a poltergeist... I don't know what possessed me!"

Their marriage in jeopardy, Strawberry Shortcake and Billy Bob Banana Bread seek therapy.

"What's going on Jen? Why didn't you respond to my kissing emoji?"

'What? You ate the gateau instead of throwing it into my face?? You insensitive, egotistical brute! You don't love me anymore!'

"Doctor - at home I get this nagging pain... what do you recommend?"

"Are you crazy? I can’t tell her that!"

He leaves, but soon realizes his roots run too deep.

'We just don't talk anymore, Gerald!'

Wanna talk about it?

'I want to start by having you take separate staycations.'

"No, no - that's not the company sales, that's my marriage."

"You'll hear from my lawyer."

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR, 'Our biological clocks are in different time zones.'

'The wife says if I don't give up snooker, she's leaving me. . .I'm going to miss her.'

'I get the feeling lately that some of the magic has gone out of our relationship.'

Diplomacy

Pastor to couple: 'It is more blessed to forgive than to receive.'

"When did you first notice your wife was missing?"

"We both need to get away and unsidewind awhile."

"Oh c'mon, Phil. Everyone knows we only stay together for the giant tortoise."

"Yes, ma'am, we do take reservations...and what's your husband's name?"

"...and what has my culinary genius conjured up to delight my taste buds tonight?"

"Marriage and water, I find, don't mix."

"I'm starting to believe that this relationship was doomed from the start...!"

'Mr. Rock and Mrs. Hardplace are here, sir.'

"I've taken the liberty of adding eight thousand dollars to your check so that, while you're stunned with disbelief, I can bang your wife."

"They're going through a bitter marriage."

'I'm sorry, but I just can't handle you being out at sea for so long.'

"Doc, she and I just don't understand each other any more...it's like we have different operating systems!"

'Oh it is nice to get away from it all.'

'The only reason she keeps me is to rub out her bed wrinkles.'

"Is it a 'personal attack' if I can prove he’s an idiot?"

"It's not jsut that he walks upright and uses complex tools. He also makes me laugh."

'I just don't understand... We hate the same movies, books, art, music, friends and relatives, and we agree that the world's a hopeless mess. With all that in common, why is our marriage falling apart?'