Failed Marriage Gifts

'Cards for those special occasions'.

Their marriage in jeopardy, Strawberry Shortcake and Billy Bob Banana Bread seek therapy.

"You'd think he hated music by the way he tortures it."

"Are you crazy? I can’t tell her that!"

"Doctor - at home I get this nagging pain... what do you recommend?"

'We just don't talk anymore, Gerald!'

"Yes dear, you have worked very hard on the garden. Unfortunately though, you've put the compost on the weeds and the weed killer on my best roses."

Luke Skywalker- Matrimonial Law

'You've got Mr & Mrs Smith at 2.00, Mr & Mrs Jones at 2.30, and at 3.00 your wife has made an appointment with a Divorce Lawyer!'

Diplomacy

"Oh c'mon, Phil. Everyone knows we only stay together for the giant tortoise."

"I liked it better when we just had your people call my people."

"My ex wife is a heart surgeon. . . she ripped my heart out!"

'Stay, Rusty!'

"Marriage and water, I find, don't mix."

'Everyone does divorces, Mrs.Dawson.'

"Give it all you got is the motto of my wife's divorce attorney."

"Yes, ma'am, we do take reservations...and what's your husband's name?"

"I'm starting to believe that this relationship was doomed from the start...!"

"I've taken the liberty of adding eight thousand dollars to your check so that, while you're stunned with disbelief, I can bang your wife."

"They're going through a bitter marriage."

'I just don't understand... We hate the same movies, books, art, music, friends and relatives, and we agree that the world's a hopeless mess. With all that in common, why is our marriage falling apart?'

'The only thing we have in common anymore is the kids are driving us both nuts!'

"If you want a positive outlook, you're going to have to turn you chair around."

'... all you have to say is QUACK, QUACK, QUACK!'

'He left me five minutes after he got his new National Health glasses.'

"Honey, you've forgotten your grief case."

"After 40 years of marriage, she told me I had "husband ears" and left!"

"Your wife said 'Shoot the clown of all I care.' But I'm sure can negotiate there."

'What do you mean, you want a divorce?'

'When you finally decided to communicate, neither of you said anything worth listening to?'

"My gut instinct was to say yes. . . but years in social work have shown me how these things end up working out."

'He left me for a guy. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel.'

"Now take my life-partner...please...take my life-partner!!"

"Sorry. No refunds."