Marriage Gone Sour Gifts

'At least the mess I make is all in one place'

'His 'get up and go' usually surfaces once the pub's opened'

'Forget 'forsaking all others', you can have the week off' (housewife to husband).

Their marriage in jeopardy, Strawberry Shortcake and Billy Bob Banana Bread seek therapy.

"You'd think he hated music by the way he tortures it."

'This marriage is turning into a complete farce.'

"Doctor - at home I get this nagging pain... what do you recommend?"

"Helen, I have decided to seek a change of venue, since it has grown increasingly obvious that I can no longer get a fair trial in this household."

"Are you crazy? I can’t tell her that!"

Luke Skywalker- Matrimonial Law

"Yes dear, you have worked very hard on the garden. Unfortunately though, you've put the compost on the weeds and the weed killer on my best roses."

'You've got Mr & Mrs Smith at 2.00, Mr & Mrs Jones at 2.30, and at 3.00 your wife has made an appointment with a Divorce Lawyer!'

"I liked it better when we just had your people call my people."

"My ex wife is a heart surgeon. . . she ripped my heart out!"

Diplomacy

Is this Randy the Love Doctor? Speaking. What ails you, sister? People were right: Now that gay people in all 50 states can marry, it's destroyed marriage altogether. My husband Larry just left me and moved in with Earl the plumber. First of all, ma'am, I'm pretty sure you have no idea how these things work. The supreme court gave Larry the gay. How do I undo the gay?

'Stay, Rusty!'

"I've taken the liberty of adding eight thousand dollars to your check so that, while you're stunned with disbelief, I can bang your wife."

"I'm starting to believe that this relationship was doomed from the start...!"

'Everyone does divorces, Mrs.Dawson.'

"Give it all you got is the motto of my wife's divorce attorney."

"They're going through a bitter marriage."

"Yes, ma'am, we do take reservations...and what's your husband's name?"

'Oh it is nice to get away from it all.'

"Marriage and water, I find, don't mix."

'I just don't understand... We hate the same movies, books, art, music, friends and relatives, and we agree that the world's a hopeless mess. With all that in common, why is our marriage falling apart?'

'... all you have to say is QUACK, QUACK, QUACK!'

'The only thing we have in common anymore is the kids are driving us both nuts!'

"If you want a positive outlook, you're going to have to turn you chair around."

'He left me five minutes after he got his new National Health glasses.'

Rubbish husband...

'When you finally decided to communicate, neither of you said anything worth listening to?'

"Honey, you've forgotten your grief case."

"My gut instinct was to say yes. . . but years in social work have shown me how these things end up working out."

'What do you mean, you want a divorce?'