Bad Marriage Pillows

"My mother warned me about marrying a poltergeist... I don't know what possessed me!"

Their marriage in jeopardy, Strawberry Shortcake and Billy Bob Banana Bread seek therapy.

"What's going on Jen? Why didn't you respond to my kissing emoji?"

'What? You ate the gateau instead of throwing it into my face?? You insensitive, egotistical brute! You don't love me anymore!'

"Doctor - at home I get this nagging pain... what do you recommend?"

"Are you crazy? I can’t tell her that!"

He leaves, but soon realizes his roots run too deep.

'We just don't talk anymore, Gerald!'

Wanna talk about it?

'I want to start by having you take separate staycations.'

"No, no - that's not the company sales, that's my marriage."

"You'll hear from my lawyer."

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR, 'Our biological clocks are in different time zones.'

'The wife says if I don't give up snooker, she's leaving me. . .I'm going to miss her.'

"Oh c'mon, Phil. Everyone knows we only stay together for the giant tortoise."

"You say that I love the Liverpool football team more than I love you?...."

Is this Randy the Love Doctor? Speaking. What ails you, sister? People were right: Now that gay people in all 50 states can marry, it's destroyed marriage altogether. My husband Larry just left me and moved in with Earl the plumber. First of all, ma'am, I'm pretty sure you have no idea how these things work. The supreme court gave Larry the gay. How do I undo the gay?

"When did you first notice your wife was missing?"

"We both need to get away and unsidewind awhile."

Diplomacy

Pastor to couple: 'It is more blessed to forgive than to receive.'

'I get the feeling lately that some of the magic has gone out of our relationship.'

'Mr. Rock and Mrs. Hardplace are here, sir.'

"Yes, ma'am, we do take reservations...and what's your husband's name?"

"...and what has my culinary genius conjured up to delight my taste buds tonight?"

"Doc, she and I just don't understand each other any more...it's like we have different operating systems!"

'I'm sorry, but I just can't handle you being out at sea for so long.'

"Is it a 'personal attack' if I can prove he’s an idiot?"

"I'm starting to believe that this relationship was doomed from the start...!"

'Oh it is nice to get away from it all.'

"They're going through a bitter marriage."

"I've taken the liberty of adding eight thousand dollars to your check so that, while you're stunned with disbelief, I can bang your wife."

"Marriage and water, I find, don't mix."

'The only reason she keeps me is to rub out her bed wrinkles.'

"It's not jsut that he walks upright and uses complex tools. He also makes me laugh."