Awards Ceremonies Gifts

"I'm so nervous! I feel like you're all in my stomach."

'For the actress who benefitted most by rehab...'

'It's a stressful time for him every year, he really worries about getting the numbers spot on!'

Oscars

"For the best picture not having won anything thereby being eliminated from this category..."

'She's a very protectice mother!' - Lifeguard at Christening/Baptism.

Decorated officer - 'And these are for keeping my pants up.'

Buisnessman Of The Hour - I'd like to introduce our guest but he is 45 minutes late

',,, and if anyone knows of a reason why these two should not be married, let them storm this castle with pitchforks and torches or forever hold their peace,'

'Sure you won 'Contractor of the Decade' five times, McWit, but what have you done lately?'

Win - win

'... and the winner for 'The Noisiest Picture of the Year' is...'

'I got this one for thinking outside the box.'

'No, but thanks for asking,'

'The correct response, Tanya, is 'I do' not 'yeah, whatever'.'

Pipe Smoker of the Year Awards.

'Cheryl, you are getting way too wrapped up in the dog.'

'My hot-shot assistant was named as one of the top 10 to watch."

'You will now be presented with your degrees. That is, of course, after you jump through another one of our little hoops.'

Gymnasts falling off the winners pedestal.

'She deserves it since she's raised our three kids with me overseas.'

Employee of the Month

Folk Wedding

Soccer coach of the year.

'You should have seen the one that got away!'

"I should cover your ears.I'm not very good at this.'

'And now I'd like to name this month's recipient of the Dumbest Global E-mail Award...'

'Does my head look big in this?'

"This year the endowed chair will go to whomever pulls the sword from the stone."

"Ladies and gentlemen, I simply can't believe that I've won this award. I keep wanting to pinch myself."

'Sorry, I always cry at weddings...'

On the cusp of winning the Nobel, Bernie gets exposed by his third grade handwriting teacher.

"I hate weddings. They make me feel a momentary lapse of cynicism."

And this one i got for properly polishing my medals.

"Are you sure he tested negative?"