Award Ceremonies Gifts

"First, I'd like to thank everyone who believed in me."

"I was awarded this Oscar for my presentation of an Oscar at the Oscars."

"Ladies and gentlemen, I simply can't believe that I've won this award. I keep wanting to pinch myself."

"Thank you, but in all humility, I'm just the ass that Jesus rode in on."

Posthumous Platinum

"I'd like to thank everyone who believed in me."

"Participation, yes, but when did they start handing out 'Didn't Participate' trophies?"

The gladiator raises his blood-stained sword...but the nimble ninja strikes quickly, winning the battle...and taking home the award!"

'And the Oscar for best picture goes to . . . nobody!! They were all crap this year!'

'I hope the 'King's Speech' doesn't win, it'll take Colin Firth an hour just to say 'Thank you'.'

Undertaker awards.

The Oscars

I don't care if you have a ticket - hop it.

'The boss wants back the safety award you dropped during the ceremonies.'

'I've looked through all the Award categories with a fine tooth comb.'

"I would like to thank all the big and little and in between people."

'It gives me great pleasure in presenting you with the jockey of the year award.'

"And in recognition of your services, we hereby present you the password to the city."

Presidential Medal of Freedom

Dolby Theatre: 2014 Academy Awards Hosted by Michelle Obama.

'For your superb management of hell on earth."

School administrator of the year "Accepting for Susan Curtis is her clinical psychologist."

"And now, honorary awards for the worst best-picture and the best worst-picture."

"And the award for Best Product Placement in a Domestic or Foreign Film goes to..."

"For the best picture not having won anything thereby being eliminated from this category..."

'And this year's 'Inquisitive Learner Award' goes to...'

Buisnessman Of The Hour - I'd like to introduce our guest but he is 45 minutes late

'... and the winner for 'The Noisiest Picture of the Year' is...'

'I got this one for thinking outside the box.'

Win - win

'Sure you won 'Contractor of the Decade' five times, McWit, but what have you done lately?'

Movie Awards. That movie always comes alone and never stays for the after-party. It's an independent film.

Pipe Smoker of the Year Awards.

OFA. Onion Farmer of the Year. I told myself I wasn't going to cry ….

'My hot-shot assistant was named as one of the top 10 to watch."