Awards Ceremonies Pillows

"I'm so nervous! I feel like you're all in my stomach."

Movie Awards. That movie always comes alone and never stays for the after-party. It's an independent film.

OFA. Onion Farmer of the Year. I told myself I wasn't going to cry ….

'For the actress who benefitted most by rehab...'

'It's a stressful time for him every year, he really worries about getting the numbers spot on!'

Snoop Dog speaks to a sellout audience (they all sold out years ago).

Oscars

"For the best picture not having won anything thereby being eliminated from this category..."

'She's a very protectice mother!' - Lifeguard at Christening/Baptism.

'And this year's 'Inquisitive Learner Award' goes to...'

" ... and peace be with you, although not likely."

',,, and if anyone knows of a reason why these two should not be married, let them storm this castle with pitchforks and torches or forever hold their peace,'

Buisnessman Of The Hour - I'd like to introduce our guest but he is 45 minutes late

Decorated officer - 'And these are for keeping my pants up.'

Win - win

'I got this one for thinking outside the box.'

'Sure you won 'Contractor of the Decade' five times, McWit, but what have you done lately?'

'No, but thanks for asking,'

'... and the winner for 'The Noisiest Picture of the Year' is...'

'The correct response, Tanya, is 'I do' not 'yeah, whatever'.'

Pipe Smoker of the Year Awards.

'My hot-shot assistant was named as one of the top 10 to watch."

'Cheryl, you are getting way too wrapped up in the dog.'

Gymnasts falling off the winners pedestal.

'You will now be presented with your degrees. That is, of course, after you jump through another one of our little hoops.'

'She deserves it since she's raised our three kids with me overseas.'

'You should have seen the one that got away!'

Soccer coach of the year.

Employee of the Month

Folk Wedding

"I should cover your ears.I'm not very good at this.'

'And now I'd like to name this month's recipient of the Dumbest Global E-mail Award...'

'Does my head look big in this?'

"Ladies and gentlemen, I simply can't believe that I've won this award. I keep wanting to pinch myself."

On the cusp of winning the Nobel, Bernie gets exposed by his third grade handwriting teacher.