Adulting Realist Gifts

"And if things don't work out in the big city, Cindy, you can always come back home to me and Mom and our nightmare descent into booze and pills."

"Really? They're now giving out non-participation trophies?"

"I can't get used to being a grownup."

Introducing... The Everything Else Morning-After Pill!

'Your salary will help you learn the lesson that life is not fair.'

"Bob & Sue 2011" "Sued Bob 2011"

"My parents said that until I find a job and move out they will not recognize me as a sentient being."

Three kids in a trench coat, twenty years later.

"Your mother and I want to make your 21st birthday a moving experience. We'll help you pack."

"That whole internet dating thing....It killed me, I tell ya."

'Where Are They Now?'

"At my age, your legs and bowels begin to go."

"I don't love you anymore, Barry, but I still think you're a great American."

Woman talking romantically whilst man talks about measuring the scullery.

The point in every relationship, when annoying habits become intolerable...

Randolph maintains a stiff upper lip while the rest of him just goes to hell.

"Happy anniversary, dear. How about a second honeymoon?" "Sure. Who with?"

'Will you marry me if I can get funding?'

'Perhaps we should leave details of the divorce settlement until after we are married.'

"On my taxes, I claimed my inner child as a dependent."

"You never chase me through back yards anymore."

"I appreciate couples therapy, but I can't stop fantasizing about group therapy."

"I see fleeting moments of happiness in between extended periods of boredom and stress."

"Not now, Matthew. This is Daddy's quiet-desperation time."

"Now, son, hitting a car is all about timing. You'll want to release about here..."

'This is George, my divorce lawyer from a previous marriage.'

"Awake and doing great"

Warning Being Alive On This Planet May Cause Cancer

"Oh, she just wants attention or needs help."

"I know I'm getting old when one big fart throws my back out."

How to injury yourself as an adult

Secrets of Adulthood.

"You can't expect me to be dependable all the time!"

"I know it hurts, Henry, but sooner of later everybody has to condo the home he grew up in."