Adulting Realist Pillows

"And if things don't work out in the big city, Cindy, you can always come back home to me and Mom and our nightmare descent into booze and pills."

"Really? They're now giving out non-participation trophies?"

Introducing... The Everything Else Morning-After Pill!

"I can't get used to being a grownup."

'Your salary will help you learn the lesson that life is not fair.'

"Bob & Sue 2011" "Sued Bob 2011"

Three kids in a trench coat, twenty years later.

"My parents said that until I find a job and move out they will not recognize me as a sentient being."

"Your mother and I want to make your 21st birthday a moving experience. We'll help you pack."

'Where Are They Now?'

"That whole internet dating thing....It killed me, I tell ya."

"I don't love you anymore, Barry, but I still think you're a great American."

"At my age, your legs and bowels begin to go."

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

Woman talking romantically whilst man talks about measuring the scullery.

The point in every relationship, when annoying habits become intolerable...

'Perhaps we should leave details of the divorce settlement until after we are married.'

'Will you marry me if I can get funding?'

Randolph maintains a stiff upper lip while the rest of him just goes to hell.

"On my taxes, I claimed my inner child as a dependent."

"Happy anniversary, dear. How about a second honeymoon?" "Sure. Who with?"

"You never chase me through back yards anymore."

"I appreciate couples therapy, but I can't stop fantasizing about group therapy."

"I see fleeting moments of happiness in between extended periods of boredom and stress."

"Not now, Matthew. This is Daddy's quiet-desperation time."

"I know I'm getting old when one big fart throws my back out."

"Awake and doing great"

Al, you need to get over your childish desire for a pony. It's not childish, doctor. I only started wanting one last week.

"Oh, she just wants attention or needs help."

'This is George, my divorce lawyer from a previous marriage.'

Warning Being Alive On This Planet May Cause Cancer

"Now, son, hitting a car is all about timing. You'll want to release about here..."

How to injury yourself as an adult

Secrets of Adulthood.

"You can't expect me to be dependable all the time!"