Age Realist Pillows

"I know I'm getting old when one big fart throws my back out."

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

"Bob & Sue 2011" "Sued Bob 2011"

"You need the toilet. . . hang on I think I've got an app for that."

"That whole internet dating thing....It killed me, I tell ya."

"Have you ever given any thought to what you're going to do after all your hopes and dreams are crushed?"

Woman talking romantically whilst man talks about measuring the scullery.

"I don't love you anymore, Barry, but I still think you're a great American."

The point in every relationship, when annoying habits become intolerable...

Retirement Issues

"I'm the ghost of your future retirement."

'Perhaps we should leave details of the divorce settlement until after we are married.'

'Will you marry me if I can get funding?'

'Our retirement program is that you can resign whenever you want to.'

Randolph maintains a stiff upper lip while the rest of him just goes to hell.

"Happy anniversary, dear. How about a second honeymoon?" "Sure. Who with?"

"You never chase me through back yards anymore."

'This is how our new no-risk pension scheme works.'

"I appreciate couples therapy, but I can't stop fantasizing about group therapy."

'I re-invested what was left of my 401K into returnable pop cans. I figure by the time I retire I should have about three dollars.'

"I see fleeting moments of happiness in between extended periods of boredom and stress."

"Who would have thought retirement would be this much fun."

"Now they're saying 80 is the new 70. So, when's the new dead?"

Warning Being Alive On This Planet May Cause Cancer

'This is George, my divorce lawyer from a previous marriage.'

'That's not in addition to your pension, that IS your pension.'

'Ageism at work'

"You can't expect me to be dependable all the time!"

"Based on the economy and your rate of savings, I've updated your retirement projections."

"I keep my savings under my mattress. It's the only way I'll ever be able to retire on my money."

'Dave, why did we marry?' 'You wanted part of the paper.'

"Botox? No, I simply stopped smiling when I turned 30."