Age Realist Gifts

"I know I'm getting old when one big fart throws my back out."

Road Forks in the Road: No Way and Yes Way.

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

"Bob & Sue 2011" "Sued Bob 2011"

"You need the toilet. . . hang on I think I've got an app for that."

"That whole internet dating thing....It killed me, I tell ya."

'Retirement is OK, but instead of looking forword to weekends, I'm working at McDonalds.'

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

"I don't love you anymore, Barry, but I still think you're a great American."

"Have you ever given any thought to what you're going to do after all your hopes and dreams are crushed?"

Woman talking romantically whilst man talks about measuring the scullery.

The point in every relationship, when annoying habits become intolerable...

Tunnel of love, then disillusionment, then mundane humdrum coexistence.

"I'm the ghost of your future retirement."

'Our retirement program is that you can resign whenever you want to.'

'Will you marry me if I can get funding?'

"Happy anniversary, dear. How about a second honeymoon?" "Sure. Who with?"

Retirement Issues

Randolph maintains a stiff upper lip while the rest of him just goes to hell.

'Perhaps we should leave details of the divorce settlement until after we are married.'

"You never chase me through back yards anymore."

'This is how our new no-risk pension scheme works.'

"I appreciate couples therapy, but I can't stop fantasizing about group therapy."

'I re-invested what was left of my 401K into returnable pop cans. I figure by the time I retire I should have about three dollars.'

"I see fleeting moments of happiness in between extended periods of boredom and stress."

'This is George, my divorce lawyer from a previous marriage.'

"Now they're saying 80 is the new 70. So, when's the new dead?"

"Who would have thought retirement would be this much fun."

Warning Being Alive On This Planet May Cause Cancer

'That's not in addition to your pension, that IS your pension.'

'Ageism at work'

"Based on the economy and your rate of savings, I've updated your retirement projections."

"I keep my savings under my mattress. It's the only way I'll ever be able to retire on my money."

"You can't expect me to be dependable all the time!"

"Don't wag your tail. It shows you're desperate."