Realist Retirees Gifts

"I've had a look at our revised pension forecast..."

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

Road Forks in the Road: No Way and Yes Way.

"I am not a workaholic. I just work to relax."

'Your salary will help you learn the lesson that life is not fair.'

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

"It's a Wonderful Life" if it was written by scientists.

'But I do have fun. I have lots lots of fun. I have lots of fun making money.'

"You will bargain away what little integrity you have left for what little job security you can gain."

'Retirement is OK, but instead of looking forword to weekends, I'm working at McDonalds.'

"Have you ever given any thought to what you're going to do after all your hopes and dreams are crushed?"

Woman talking romantically whilst man talks about measuring the scullery.

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

"Could you spare some change for a guy fresh off welfare?"

'Our retirement program is that you can resign whenever you want to.'

Retirement Issues

Randolph maintains a stiff upper lip while the rest of him just goes to hell.

"I'm the ghost of your future retirement."

"Just sitting here widening. You?"

'This is how our new no-risk pension scheme works.'

"Why did we wait to get recliners?"

'I re-invested what was left of my 401K into returnable pop cans. I figure by the time I retire I should have about three dollars.'

"You'll do laundry, you'll drink water...oh, and what's this? In the near future you'll clip your fingernails."

"I see fleeting moments of happiness in between extended periods of boredom and stress."

"Who would have thought retirement would be this much fun."

Warning Being Alive On This Planet May Cause Cancer

"I know I'm getting old when one big fart throws my back out."

'That's not in addition to your pension, that IS your pension.'

"I keep my savings under my mattress. It's the only way I'll ever be able to retire on my money."

"Based on the economy and your rate of savings, I've updated your retirement projections."

"Leaving parties aren't as much fun since they put up the retirement age!"

"Could be worse..." "Could be worse..." "Could be worse..." "Could be... oh, never mind."

Proverbs for Real Life. When one door closes it's probably locked and your key is on the other side.

'When did the world get into such a big hurry?'

"As a Baby Boomer, I never thought the boom would be the sound of my retirement accounts collapsing."