Real-world Realists Gifts

"Wait -- a NEWER normal?"

"Could you go back to the front desk? The receptionist has some forms for you to fill out."

"Yes, we have a retirement plan. It's called a layoff."

'Your salary will help you learn the lesson that life is not fair.'

'I'm not worried about losing my job. I'm worried about keeping it.'

"It's a shame, excellent recommendations and a superb skill set but lacks the boiling hot all consuming ambition and ruthless desire for self promotion required as head of stationary procurement."

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

"You can't offend me. I never mix religion or politics with reality."

"We end our Newscast with a happy story tonight."

"Have you ever given any thought to what you're going to do after all your hopes and dreams are crushed?"

Woman talking romantically whilst man talks about measuring the scullery.

Have you considered a career in travel brochures?

Great moments in science. . . 'Nice work, you've isolated the funding gene.'

'Remember Jones, your organs are worth more to us than your intellectual property.'

"This place has a water view if you're looking at the mortgage."

"You'll do laundry, you'll drink water...oh, and what's this? In the near future you'll clip your fingernails."

"I see fleeting moments of happiness in between extended periods of boredom and stress."

Warning Being Alive On This Planet May Cause Cancer

'Management doesn't think we have a staffing problem...Apparently all we need to do is to use our imagination.'

"Fourteen months ago, I started with H20. I just ended with H20."

"Could be worse..." "Could be worse..." "Could be worse..." "Could be... oh, never mind."

"It's no good, Martin, it's still in the room."

". . . And if they weren't killed during World War III, or by climate change, or from obesity related heart-attacks. . . . then they are probably alive today. Living in old age poverty."

'I'm looking as young as 20 years ago? Honey, promise me not to see an eye specialist for the next 20 years!'

'Yeah, I couldn't make a lousy cent for days and I don't care about it! Got me, dude?'

'The worst part is, we've never had it so good.'

'The following program was made possible by canceling an even WORSE program.'

'One thing about being chronically unemployed -- we're safe from work-related injuries.'

"As a Senior Citizen applying for this job, where do YOU see yourself in 5 years?"

"Old MacDonald had a farm"

The Land Of Milk And Honey: Day 1

"I can only run for 30 mins, it's the longest I can bare to be away from my phone."