Reality Realist Gifts

Reality Football

"You can't offend me. I never mix religion or politics with reality."

Reality Check.

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

"Could you go back to the front desk? The receptionist has some forms for you to fill out."

"Perhaps later on we can go back to my psychiatrist's office for some couples therapy?"

Pinocchio's Second Realization

"Get me this...get me that...fluff my pillow...I don't feel well...if I wanted to listen to that all day, I wouldn't have left my husband!"

"You owe me five bucks."

Road Forks in the Road: No Way and Yes Way.

'Life is all attitude: 45 seconds of enjoying it...45,000 hours of regretting it...'

"...until death do you a favor."

"Remember back in the day when I was a real heartbreaker?" "Riiight... now the only thing you break is wind."

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

'That was close...hit me right in the wallet.'

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

Women in bed with her husband reads a book titled 'Sex Stinks'.

'Your salary will help you learn the lesson that life is not fair.'

"...And do you promise if you ever should divorce that you'll remain friends?"

"I want to be straight with you, Cathy—I've gone through a number of cars in my life."

'Scratch 3 and 5. 3's had a fight and 5's just going to live together instead.'

"Tom, I’d like you to meet Chris. Chris is better than you."

"Oh no. Is that my ex?"

Tired Barbie

'He said he wasn't good enough for me, so I married him because he's the first man to realize that.'

"I pray that he will enjoy my pie..." "The smell's enough to make me cry!"

"It's a Wonderful Life" if it was written by scientists.

"All the good ones are either married, gay or Viggo Mortensen."

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

"What happened to the thin crust guy I married?"

A cartoonist at the doctor, in yoga, at home and in therapy

"You will bargain away what little integrity you have left for what little job security you can gain."

"I do love you, Jerry, but it's somewhere below the conscious level."

"You cheap shit! Why can't we have a designer divorce?"