Real-world Realist Gifts

'Your salary will help you learn the lesson that life is not fair.'

"Could you go back to the front desk? The receptionist has some forms for you to fill out."

Road Forks in the Road: No Way and Yes Way.

"Yes, we have a retirement plan. It's called a layoff."

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

"It's a shame, excellent recommendations and a superb skill set but lacks the boiling hot all consuming ambition and ruthless desire for self promotion required as head of stationary procurement."

"It's a Wonderful Life" if it was written by scientists.

"You will bargain away what little integrity you have left for what little job security you can gain."

"We end our Newscast with a happy story tonight."

"You can't offend me. I never mix religion or politics with reality."

"Have you ever given any thought to what you're going to do after all your hopes and dreams are crushed?"

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

Woman talking romantically whilst man talks about measuring the scullery.

"Could you spare some change for a guy fresh off welfare?"

Have you considered a career in travel brochures?

'Remember Jones, your organs are worth more to us than your intellectual property.'

"Well, you could wish for a new kitchen and a bathroom renovation; or alternatively you could just wish for a less idle husband."

"This place has a water view if you're looking at the mortgage."

Three years ago during a special episode of the Ask Sadie™ show, our resident octogenarian asked readers for advice about how she could deal with her midlife crisis. You should try a radical makeover. When I hit midlife, I dyed my hair, got some tattoos, and dropped 75 pounds. My husband barely recognized me when he returned from overseas. He was not happy with my "new self," so I divorced him rather than change who I'd become. It was the best decision I'd made since I cut my thieving mother out

'They had a sale on electric green.'

"You'll do laundry, you'll drink water...oh, and what's this? In the near future you'll clip your fingernails."

"Didn't we have a door over there?"

"I see fleeting moments of happiness in between extended periods of boredom and stress."

'Management doesn't think we have a staffing problem...Apparently all we need to do is to use our imagination.'

Warning Being Alive On This Planet May Cause Cancer

Proverbs for Real Life. When one door closes it's probably locked and your key is on the other side.

"Could be worse..." "Could be worse..." "Could be worse..." "Could be... oh, never mind."

"It's no good, Martin, it's still in the room."

"That? Oh, that's the contractor insult tax. We add that to the invoice when a customer treats us as if we're somehow constantly contriving to rip them off."

"You can be anything!". . . "Take whatever you can get."

". . . And if they weren't killed during World War III, or by climate change, or from obesity related heart-attacks. . . . then they are probably alive today. Living in old age poverty."

'One thing about being chronically unemployed -- we're safe from work-related injuries.'

'The worst part is, we've never had it so good.'

'Yeah, I couldn't make a lousy cent for days and I don't care about it! Got me, dude?'

'The following program was made possible by canceling an even WORSE program.'