Real-world Realist Gifts

'Your salary will help you learn the lesson that life is not fair.'

"Could you go back to the front desk? The receptionist has some forms for you to fill out."

"Yes, we have a retirement plan. It's called a layoff."

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

"It's a shame, excellent recommendations and a superb skill set but lacks the boiling hot all consuming ambition and ruthless desire for self promotion required as head of stationary procurement."

"It's a Wonderful Life" if it was written by scientists.

"You will bargain away what little integrity you have left for what little job security you can gain."

"You can't offend me. I never mix religion or politics with reality."

"We end our Newscast with a happy story tonight."

"Could you spare some change for a guy fresh off welfare?"

Have you considered a career in travel brochures?

Woman talking romantically whilst man talks about measuring the scullery.

"Have you ever given any thought to what you're going to do after all your hopes and dreams are crushed?"

'Remember Jones, your organs are worth more to us than your intellectual property.'

"This place has a water view if you're looking at the mortgage."

"Well, you could wish for a new kitchen and a bathroom renovation; or alternatively you could just wish for a less idle husband."

'They had a sale on electric green.'

"I see fleeting moments of happiness in between extended periods of boredom and stress."

"You'll do laundry, you'll drink water...oh, and what's this? In the near future you'll clip your fingernails."

"Didn't we have a door over there?"

'Management doesn't think we have a staffing problem...Apparently all we need to do is to use our imagination.'

Warning Being Alive On This Planet May Cause Cancer

"Could be worse..." "Could be worse..." "Could be worse..." "Could be... oh, never mind."

"It's no good, Martin, it's still in the room."

"You can be anything!". . . "Take whatever you can get."

"That? Oh, that's the contractor insult tax. We add that to the invoice when a customer treats us as if we're somehow constantly contriving to rip them off."

". . . And if they weren't killed during World War III, or by climate change, or from obesity related heart-attacks. . . . then they are probably alive today. Living in old age poverty."

'One thing about being chronically unemployed -- we're safe from work-related injuries.'

'The worst part is, we've never had it so good.'

'Yeah, I couldn't make a lousy cent for days and I don't care about it! Got me, dude?'

'I'm looking as young as 20 years ago? Honey, promise me not to see an eye specialist for the next 20 years!'

'The following program was made possible by canceling an even WORSE program.'