Life's Realist Gifts

"Could be worse..." "Could be worse..." "Could be worse..." "Could be... oh, never mind."

"Could you go back to the front desk? The receptionist has some forms for you to fill out."

Road Forks in the Road: No Way and Yes Way.

'Your salary will help you learn the lesson that life is not fair.'

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

"Being vegan or vegetarian isn't enough anymore. From now on I will only cook stuff I stepped in on the sidewalk."

"It's a Wonderful Life" if it was written by scientists.

"You will bargain away what little integrity you have left for what little job security you can gain."

"You can't offend me. I never mix religion or politics with reality."

"At my age, your legs and bowels begin to go."

"Could you spare some change for a guy fresh off welfare?"

Woman talking romantically whilst man talks about measuring the scullery.

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

"Have you ever given any thought to what you're going to do after all your hopes and dreams are crushed?"

"Will you sign a legally binding contract to get the state involved if you ever decide to leave me?"

"I see fleeting moments of happiness in between extended periods of boredom and stress."

"You're looking for 'Sex After Fifty'? That's in the 'fiction' department."

Warning Being Alive On This Planet May Cause Cancer

"It was love at first sight, but spectacles have improved a lot since then."

Proverbs for Real Life. When one door closes it's probably locked and your key is on the other side.

"It's no good, Martin, it's still in the room."

Japanese disaster

"You can be anything!". . . "Take whatever you can get."

"Well, then, how about staying together for the sake of our joint checking account?"

'It's very realistic, Katie. It comes equipped with plenty of redtape!'

'No fortune cookies please - I don't want to get my hopes up.'

Second marriage vows.

'Yeah, I couldn't make a lousy cent for days and I don't care about it! Got me, dude?'

'The worst part is, we've never had it so good.'

'One thing about being chronically unemployed -- we're safe from work-related injuries.'

"As a Senior Citizen applying for this job, where do YOU see yourself in 5 years?"

"Old MacDonald had a farm"

Cold-calls.

'I'm looking as young as 20 years ago? Honey, promise me not to see an eye specialist for the next 20 years!'

Eight nights of excuses