Daily Life Realist Gifts

"When people tell me to have a great day I wish they'd let the day know."

"Could you go back to the front desk? The receptionist has some forms for you to fill out."

Road Forks in the Road: No Way and Yes Way.

"Yes, we have a retirement plan. It's called a layoff."

'Your salary will help you learn the lesson that life is not fair.'

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

"We end our Newscast with a happy story tonight."

"You can't offend me. I never mix religion or politics with reality."

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

Woman talking romantically whilst man talks about measuring the scullery.

"Have you ever given any thought to what you're going to do after all your hopes and dreams are crushed?"

"Simple tasks were a challenge for Chad. Awww, geez. Another upside down spoon."

"I see fleeting moments of happiness in between extended periods of boredom and stress."

"I've done nothing Instagrammable for months."

Warning Being Alive On This Planet May Cause Cancer

The Eternal Battle Over Who Is More Tired

"Could be worse..." "Could be worse..." "Could be worse..." "Could be... oh, never mind."

Proverbs for Real Life. When one door closes it's probably locked and your key is on the other side.

"It's no good, Martin, it's still in the room."

Japanese disaster

"Pawn to King Four."

"So is that enough 'putting out' for you?"

'I don't think cholesterol had been invented then.'

Me, my master is a lawyer, so car rides with him are always exciting: we chase ambulances!"

Things-could-be-worse-go-round

"As a Senior Citizen applying for this job, where do YOU see yourself in 5 years?"

'I'm looking as young as 20 years ago? Honey, promise me not to see an eye specialist for the next 20 years!'

'Your father's been really getting under my feet.'

"I, too, get the twisties."

'Yeah, I couldn't make a lousy cent for days and I don't care about it! Got me, dude?'

'The worst part is, we've never had it so good.'

"Old MacDonald had a farm"

'One thing about being chronically unemployed -- we're safe from work-related injuries.'

The Land Of Milk And Honey: Day 1

'I like waking up every morning to see what opportunities and challenges the new day holds for me.'