Everyday Life Philosopher Gifts

"I've done nothing Instagrammable for months."

"The dryer giveth and the dryer taketh away."

"Who's taking my order—the committee of the whole, or is there a liaison for decaf?"

"Yes, six to seven weeks is my life expectancy! Once I learned that, I thought, the hell with it, I'll stop working and start travelling..."

"You need to justify your own existence first."

"More quarters! For God's sake, more quarters!!"

"Always take the bull firmly by the tail and look him directly in the eye..."

Fleeting illusions of happiness hour 5-7

Middle Age: When you finally get your head together, and your body starts to fall apart!

'I'm down to a pack of neuroses a day.'

Caveman to kid: 'There's more to life than what you read on cave walls.'

Aging Support Group

"Yes sir, I'm late. But I thought we were supposed to stop and smell the roses ... "

"Sure, it's a break you can live with... but screw one more socket and you're toast!"

"That's what I love about social media. I can have connections with thousands of people and yet still be completely isolated and alone."

"Would you like to hear about our retirement plan?"

Life, love and a lot of bananas.

"I won't have anything to worry about when I grow up."

City Bar and Grill - "Stop worrying, youth and enthusiasm can't compete with experience and treachery."

Body Language Expert - 'You don't like your job do you?'

'Next time you hear confession from that barmaid say, Tut-tut not COR.'

"I'm surprised I'm still single - I always thought I'd be divorced by now."

'You may disagree with me now, Son, but when you're 500 years old, you'll understand.'

" It was a jungle out there, but I quite liked it."

"Just when I’ve reconciled the fact that I’m in my 40s, my 50th birthday shows up."

"Your next pilgrimage must be to a bodega for milk."

Still Coffee Runs Deep

"You're born, you deconstruct your childhood, and then you die."

'Life passed me by without using a turn signal.'

"Some day, son, all these aches and pains will be yours."

Who's Dead

Women

Been there. Done that. (Man stands between two doors.)

"I've figured out why my life is boring."

A bull which has seen red.