Everyday Philosopher Gifts

Endless line

'I know Jesus spoke in parables. Now for the last time, tell me exactly where you put my car keys.'

Torah reading on the subway.

'Toilet paper for example.'

'The Human Comedy needs a laugh track.'

'I'm down to a pack of neuroses a day.'

Unloading Zone.

'What are you annoyed about now?'

STILL LIVES - Toilet Paper: 'I'm absolutely fed-up with being ripped-off all the time!'

'Have a nice day... And I don't say that to just anybody.'

'What about my needs?' 'They're in the refridgerator!'

"Is this a good time to bring up a car problem?"

The much more typical...Renaissance Man.

"I've figured out why my life is boring."

I was a day late and a dollar short, but it was a personal best! (Published originally on February 4, 2011.)

Hey, Randy, you still in the caf

"A few days in the life of pocket lint..." "Oh, hi Nickel! Hi Gum! Wanna hang out?" "Why is Lint talking to us?!" "He's still looking at us..." "Just ignore him."

"Wow, two hundred dryer sheets. Who will I even be two hundred dryer sheets from now?"

"But if they're banned, where will I find poetry in the unexpected?"

"Sure I can't pop that in a bag for you, sir?"

Proof of life on earth

"Who's taking my order—the committee of the whole, or is there a liaison for decaf?"

"Yes, six to seven weeks is my life expectancy! Once I learned that, I thought, the hell with it, I'll stop working and start travelling..."

I'm not good with names but never forget a face. Of course, that's not very useful right now.

"You need to justify your own existence first."

"He's declared it an area of natural beauty"

"More quarters! For God's sake, more quarters!!"

"Always take the bull firmly by the tail and look him directly in the eye..."

Fleeting illusions of happiness hour 5-7

Caveman to kid: 'There's more to life than what you read on cave walls.'

Aging Support Group

"I just haven't been feeling very omnipotent lately."

Middle Age: When you finally get your head together, and your body starts to fall apart!

"Do you think the birds like me?"

'I love this street...it's so real man...'