Everyday Object Philosopher Gifts

"Sure, it's a break you can live with... but screw one more socket and you're toast!"

"Who's taking my order—the committee of the whole, or is there a liaison for decaf?"

"More quarters! For God's sake, more quarters!!"

Fleeting illusions of happiness hour 5-7

'I'm down to a pack of neuroses a day.'

"We've made it more hellish by modeling it after corporate workplaces."

"That's what I love about social media. I can have connections with thousands of people and yet still be completely isolated and alone."

I was starting a new chapter in my life and I tripped over a footnote.

"I've figured out why my life is boring."

"Social media makes it impossible to see, hear or speak no evil."

A bull which has seen red.

"Sure I can't pop that in a bag for you, sir?"

'I know Jesus spoke in parables. Now for the last time, tell me exactly where you put my car keys.'

"I've done nothing Instagrammable for months."

Man sees where he's at and he's 'Where It's Not At'

'The Human Comedy needs a laugh track.'

"Is this a good time to bring up a car problem?"

"I was afraid of this - a Chinese menu just came in on our fax."

Your Palm

The Jerck Manual

Chair massages.

'The way I got it doped out, post-modern man is all context and fragment.'

"Oh no! Didn't you bring your phone?"

"If it says to add water, and I'm the one who adds it, I'm cooking."

Valentines for Things

"No, son - the love of Monday is not the root of all evil."

"With a real live woman right here, why would you turn to the Internet for an argument?"

A family live separate lives in separate cubicles

STILL LIVES - Toilet Paper: 'I'm absolutely fed-up with being ripped-off all the time!'

"I misplace everything, yet there always seems to be more of it."

'I'm leaving, I want to see the world. I can't stay here and spend my life watching grass grow!'

"First it was TV, then social media, then politics...now everything insults my intelligence!"

Torah reading on the subway.

'What are you annoyed about now?'

Unloading Zone.