Philosopher Of Everyday Life Gifts

No Smoking

"Actually, I'm still on life support. I just came by to do a feasibility study."

"Call me?"

"Who's taking my order—the committee of the whole, or is there a liaison for decaf?"

"Yes, six to seven weeks is my life expectancy! Once I learned that, I thought, the hell with it, I'll stop working and start travelling..."

"Talking to your own reflection? Even your imagination is pathetic."

"You need to justify your own existence first."

"More quarters! For God's sake, more quarters!!"

"Always take the bull firmly by the tail and look him directly in the eye..."

Fleeting illusions of happiness hour 5-7

Caveman to kid: 'There's more to life than what you read on cave walls.'

Middle Age: When you finally get your head together, and your body starts to fall apart!

Can't even hold signs well.

"I sold my soul for about a tenth of what the damn things are going for now."

'I'm down to a pack of neuroses a day.'

"Enjoy yourself while you can because before you know it, you've surpassed your 'Best Used By' date."

"Yes sir, I'm late. But I thought we were supposed to stop and smell the roses ... "

"Death coach..."

"Sure, it's a break you can live with... but screw one more socket and you're toast!"

Bird in a chair with a human in a cage.

"That's what I love about social media. I can have connections with thousands of people and yet still be completely isolated and alone."

Life, love and a lot of bananas.

"I won't have anything to worry about when I grow up."

City Bar and Grill - "Stop worrying, youth and enthusiasm can't compete with experience and treachery."

"I'm surprised I'm still single - I always thought I'd be divorced by now."

"How do I know God is not real? For the same reason I know people on TV can't see me."

'You may disagree with me now, Son, but when you're 500 years old, you'll understand.'

"Your next pilgrimage must be to a bodega for milk."

" It was a jungle out there, but I quite liked it."

"Just when I’ve reconciled the fact that I’m in my 40s, my 50th birthday shows up."

"You're born, you deconstruct your childhood, and then you die."

'Life passed me by without using a turn signal.'

Women

"I once experienced childlike wonder. . . but it was just my anti-depressants kicking in."

"Social media makes it impossible to see, hear or speak no evil."