Philosopher Of Everyday Life Gifts

You've been around for a very, very long time. Maybe you can answer this

No Smoking

"Actually, I'm still on life support. I just came by to do a feasibility study."

"Call me?"

"Who's taking my order—the committee of the whole, or is there a liaison for decaf?"

"Yes, six to seven weeks is my life expectancy! Once I learned that, I thought, the hell with it, I'll stop working and start travelling..."

"Talking to your own reflection? Even your imagination is pathetic."

"You need to justify your own existence first."

"More quarters! For God's sake, more quarters!!"

"Always take the bull firmly by the tail and look him directly in the eye..."

Fleeting illusions of happiness hour 5-7

Middle Age: When you finally get your head together, and your body starts to fall apart!

Aging Support Group

'I'm down to a pack of neuroses a day.'

Can't even hold signs well.

"Enjoy yourself while you can because before you know it, you've surpassed your 'Best Used By' date."

"I sold my soul for about a tenth of what the damn things are going for now."

Caveman to kid: 'There's more to life than what you read on cave walls.'

"Sure, it's a break you can live with... but screw one more socket and you're toast!"

"Yes sir, I'm late. But I thought we were supposed to stop and smell the roses ... "

"Death coach..."

Bird in a chair with a human in a cage.

"That's what I love about social media. I can have connections with thousands of people and yet still be completely isolated and alone."

Life, love and a lot of bananas.

"I won't have anything to worry about when I grow up."

City Bar and Grill - "Stop worrying, youth and enthusiasm can't compete with experience and treachery."

"Your next pilgrimage must be to a bodega for milk."

"Just when I’ve reconciled the fact that I’m in my 40s, my 50th birthday shows up."

" It was a jungle out there, but I quite liked it."

"How do I know God is not real? For the same reason I know people on TV can't see me."

'You may disagree with me now, Son, but when you're 500 years old, you'll understand.'

"I'm surprised I'm still single - I always thought I'd be divorced by now."

"You're born, you deconstruct your childhood, and then you die."

'Life passed me by without using a turn signal.'

Women