Lifestyle Realist Gifts

"Maybe we should watch it a bit less?"

"Could you go back to the front desk? The receptionist has some forms for you to fill out."

Road Forks in the Road: No Way and Yes Way.

'Your salary will help you learn the lesson that life is not fair.'

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

"You are still here."

Fast Food Dieter

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

"Have you ever given any thought to what you're going to do after all your hopes and dreams are crushed?"

"... with a side of brown rice, right. And can the delivery guy stop at the pharmacy and pick up my prescription?"

"My brain said, exercise....my tummy auto-corrected that to, extra-fries!"

"I see fleeting moments of happiness in between extended periods of boredom and stress."

'If I never get my 15 minutes of fame, I at least want a giant cutout face of myself.'

Warning Being Alive On This Planet May Cause Cancer

"A messenger from the West Side, Your Highness."

"Could be worse..." "Could be worse..." "Could be worse..." "Could be... oh, never mind."

'As I said, the medication won't cure you, but it will make you more comfortable for the duration.'

"I am exercising. I'm doing some online walking around an online mall."

Proverbs for Real Life. When one door closes it's probably locked and your key is on the other side.

"It's no good, Martin, it's still in the room."

'I don't think cholesterol had been invented then.'

Getting older is...When you start to dress for comfort rather than style.

Getting older is . . . when you start to dress for comfort rather than style.

Problem of getting older.

'I had to report it. Based on your lifestyle, your heart attack was premeditated.'

'Wow, dude. You're really old school!'

Obesity: Mechanical & Biological.

"This is my exercise routine, and this is my routine to avoid that exercise routine."

"Old MacDonald had a farm"

"As a Senior Citizen applying for this job, where do YOU see yourself in 5 years?"

'I'm looking as young as 20 years ago? Honey, promise me not to see an eye specialist for the next 20 years!'

"Phil suddenly decided to give up everything that was bad for him-no more smoking, drinking, or junk food-and he feels absolutely terrific!"

'The worst part is, we've never had it so good.'

"...And do you, Jim, also promise to keep all your devices charged, upgraded and secure?"

'Yeah, I couldn't make a lousy cent for days and I don't care about it! Got me, dude?'