Diet Realist Gifts

"My brain said, exercise....my tummy auto-corrected that to, extra-fries!"

'Personally I take all these programmes with a pinch of salt.'

Any time is cake o'clock

All Natural Nothing

'Perhaps sir would like the dessert menu?'

'The second diet of my diet is always the easiest. By then, I'm off my diet.'

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

Doctor to man with 'Push' door on mouth: 'It looks as though you've been eating a lot of junk food lately.'

"Each order comes with 10 minutes of free guilt counseling."

'Simple - it's your high-protein diet that keeps you so manic.'

'Trouble is they always forget to return them...'

'Ahh...now there's a man who understands women.'

I read an article about the health benefits of dark chocolate so I make sure all the donuts I eat are covered with dark chocolate.

"I'm a monster."

'I'm sorry, Louis. I should have warned you that I installed a speed bump in front of the refrigerator.'

Fast Food Dieter

'You put him on a diet, so he put you on a diet.'

'However hard I try to lose weight, it always finds me again.'

"Why are we eating all this fattening stuff? Pier pressure."

'I'm sorry but I have to let you go, we're all drinking 2%.'

"My incentive for losing weight? I bought a fitted sheet a size to small."

'Did you fart, sweetie?'

"I'm putting you on a high fiber low taste diet."

Gastroenterology - Pull Finger For Service.

"I diet religiously. I eat what I want and pray I don't gain weight."

'Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun.'

Good cholesterol cop, bad cholesterol cop. Rice cake? Eat the donut punk.

'Bottled water or other non-carbonated diet beverage!'

"I'd like a fat-free, gluten-free, MSG-free, mini, super-skinny, artisan latte please..."

"I think the problem is that you're not eating properly..."

'Id like to see you in two weeks. Try not to eat during that time.'

Error in low-fat pizza design.

'What kind of quack is he? No pills, no special diets! He just believes in will power!'

'Headmaster I'd like to report Biggins and Small who were caught this morning consuming trans-fats behind the bicycle shed.'

'What a relief to find out that fewer calories don't add up to longevity.'