Diet Realist Pillows

"My brain said, exercise....my tummy auto-corrected that to, extra-fries!"

'Personally I take all these programmes with a pinch of salt.'

Any time is cake o'clock

All Natural Nothing

'Perhaps sir would like the dessert menu?'

'The second diet of my diet is always the easiest. By then, I'm off my diet.'

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

Doctor to man with 'Push' door on mouth: 'It looks as though you've been eating a lot of junk food lately.'

"Each order comes with 10 minutes of free guilt counseling."

'Simple - it's your high-protein diet that keeps you so manic.'

'Trouble is they always forget to return them...'

I read an article about the health benefits of dark chocolate so I make sure all the donuts I eat are covered with dark chocolate.

'Ahh...now there's a man who understands women.'

"I'm a monster."

'I'm sorry, Louis. I should have warned you that I installed a speed bump in front of the refrigerator.'

Fast Food Dieter

'You put him on a diet, so he put you on a diet.'

"My incentive for losing weight? I bought a fitted sheet a size to small."

'However hard I try to lose weight, it always finds me again.'

"I'm putting you on a high fiber low taste diet."

'Did you fart, sweetie?'

'I'm sorry but I have to let you go, we're all drinking 2%.'

"Why are we eating all this fattening stuff? Pier pressure."

"I diet religiously. I eat what I want and pray I don't gain weight."

'Bottled water or other non-carbonated diet beverage!'

'Id like to see you in two weeks. Try not to eat during that time.'

"I think the problem is that you're not eating properly..."

"I'd like a fat-free, gluten-free, MSG-free, mini, super-skinny, artisan latte please..."

'Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun.'

Error in low-fat pizza design.

'What kind of quack is he? No pills, no special diets! He just believes in will power!'

"Touch that and you're a dead man."

Lite Beer.

'What a relief to find out that fewer calories don't add up to longevity.'