Realistic Dieter Pillows

"I appreciate your desire for a new photo ID following your significant weight loss, but our policy to decline your request is based on the sad reality that you're probably going to gain it all back."

'Take of the fruit and eat . . . Well, peanuts actually.'

"I hope that's low calorie eye of newt."

'The second diet of my diet is always the easiest. By then, I'm off my diet.'

"If we crunch the numbers, it should have zero calories."

Dieting Motivation.

Woman weighing herself while holding balloons

'Please help mommy lose some weight. She gets grumpy when she's on a diet that's not working.'

Man with a pizza in 'Lover's Lane.'

"No matter how much gelato, pizza and tiramisu I eat, I gain weight. This Mediterranean diet just isn't working."

'The doctor said my body is 40% fat. These cookies are only 20% fat. That's got to help.'

Women holding onto birds so that her weight seems lower

"...there, I found it. Stellar! I love this nutrition app!"

'I'll have one regular cheese-burger from column 'A', and one negative-calories cheese-burger from column 'B'.'

"I diet religiously. I eat what I want and pray I don't gain weight."

"Dear Diary... I've stopped smoking, and I'm sticking to my diet."

'Bottled water or other non-carbonated diet beverage!'

Shrink

"My brain said, exercise....my tummy auto-corrected that to, extra-fries!"

Angel's Food cake vs Devil's food cake.

'You are being haunted by the spirit of a slimmer, trimmer, you.'

"I'd like a fat-free, gluten-free, MSG-free, mini, super-skinny, artisan latte please..."

Gym. Whatever weight I manage to lose here I always seem to find on my way home. Donuts.

'I'm eating less and drinking less, yet I'm still merry!'

"I do diet...between snacks."

'Tomorrow we'll just have lettuce and water, OK.'

'This cola only has half the calories, so if I only drink half that would be no calories!'

Doctor to pig: 'You've been pigging out on pan pizzas, eh? I'm taking you off square meals.'

How Wafer-Thin Mints Stay Thin.

'Well, if I weigh that much after only putting one foot on, I don't think I have the courage to continue!'

Woman and scales.

'You know that thin person inside you, struggling to get out? -- He seems to have gained weight, too.'

"Buy them - and never look back."

"I'm on a diet. Mini-size it!"

'Three days, four different avoidance routines.'