Modern Life Realist Gifts

The Land Of Milk And Honey: Day 1

"Could you go back to the front desk? The receptionist has some forms for you to fill out."

"Who's taking my order—the committee of the whole, or is there a liaison for decaf?"

"Would you like to keep eighty-seven tabs open?"

Road Forks in the Road: No Way and Yes Way.

Crap from the future.

"Did you get my tweet?"

"I feel like pushing the envelope this morning, honey, starting with a little grape jelly for that bran muffin."

"Nature speaks to me of God’s presence, yet God is a total stranger to the restless world of men." "Why the #!@* is there no signal?!"

Super Strength, Impervious to Bullets And Explosions

"Here's something called "The Fifty Greatest Countdown Shows Ever!""

The prophet who changed water into diet grapefruit soda.

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

Weird things I do because of the internet

"Hang on. Mommy's just checking to see if she's still relevant to the outside world."

"I cancelled the cable, turned off the phone, shut down the internet. . . where the hell am I??"

'Your salary will help you learn the lesson that life is not fair.'

"More quarters! For God's sake, more quarters!!"

"Freshly ground pepper?"

Fleeting illusions of happiness hour 5-7

'This is suppose to be progress.'

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

Tunnel of TV

"She married and then divorced, and then she married and divorced, and then she married and lived happily ever after."

"I didn't say my prayers, but I e-mailed God earlier."

"How is it gendered?"

"The club scene is really changing."

"You can't offend me. I never mix religion or politics with reality."

"Nd how did tht mke u feel?"

Typical bored kid of the New Millennium

"Of course, the actual honey is all made overseas."

"That's what I love about social media. I can have connections with thousands of people and yet still be completely isolated and alone."

Fire hydrant with regular or sparkling water

"Amazing, eh? Good-looking, dependable, trustworthy, inflatable."

Daily Routine