Youth League Enthusiast Gifts

Soccer Uniforms

"I AM at my usual position."

"I will always cheer you on, but I will never 'Woo-hoo!' you."

I love your enthusiasm, girls, but we're not opening a can of whoop-ANYTHING.

'Yes, Jenny, I know I'm always reminding the team to be good sports, but you really don't have to thank the ref after every call.'

"Gracie, I'm proud of you. Your team lost, but you tried your best and that's all that counts."

'Of course she hasn't aged a bit. She's married to a plastic surgeon!'

"No, I'm not the first in my family to attend college. But I am the first at an Ivy."

"Oh, it's a grand day for Harvard!"

"It's her first bench-clearing brawl."

"Benjamin, we've discovered, is quite gifted at third base."

"Would you knowingly cheat to be better at something just to make millions of dollars? Well would you? Son? ... Son?"

'We're doing everything we can to police ourselves on steroids.'

"OK...this season, I'm not taking any fooling around...we must have discipline! We must know the rules! We must respect the other team! But mostly...no yelling at the kids, or the coach!"

"When I left Princeton, I spent a summer briefcasing in Europe."

Sportsmanship

"See - it works in my fantasy research league."

'A good, but not a grand slam!'

'My wife wanted me to get more active in sports, so I signed up or TWO fantasy football leagues.'

Yale,Yale,Yale,Yale,Kale

"I think it's unquestionably the finest letter you've ever written to the 'Yale Alumni Magazine.'"

"My mom and dad are still very sharp."

'They play five innings or until six parents fall asleep, whichever comes first.'

Little League Registration: "Um, I think we're gonna need to see your birth certificate again, son. . ."

Harvard Waiting List

'Stop it! Stop it, you two! If you keep fighting about it, then neither one of you will get to be 'coach's bench buddy'...'

'Soccer Mom's Diner.'

Thanks to the amazing new Zap-a-Slacker, parents are able to send a mild electrical current to their daydreamy Little Leaguers.

"Would you explain to your son that there's no free agency in T-ball?"

Fantasy Football Betting Pool

"Okay, Max, your dad is the commissioner, you're at first base. Harry, your parents donated 5 grand to fix the snack bar, you're at shortstop. . ."

"I can't make you look younger, but I can make you look like you've had a lot of expensive plastic surgery."

'The staff seem to get younger and younger.'

"So your soccer team lost...big deal! I lose things all the time!"

'I think we've found your problem. It's a Yale lock, but you have a Harvard key.'