Yelp Reviewers Gifts

"Well, thanks for the box of raisins, but we can't promise you a very good Trick or Treat rating on Yelp."

Thought for today: "All the world's a stage." - Shakespeare. And boy, are there a lot of drama critics.

"The chef is going to need more than just your ‘compliments’ tonight … he’s in one of his moods."

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

"It started with a simple case of peer-review."

Can't Touch This

"Mom, please! I'm a married woman whose friends have been reviewed favourably by the New York Times."

"Snow White swears by these 10 products for flawless beauty."

"It's just one bad review and we all know who wrote it."

'After researching our dream vacation online with reviews, commentaries, we cams and pictures, we felt we'd been there and didn't need the trip!'

"What do you suggest...the tuna fish or the peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich?"

"Darling, you never let me see the side of you that pays."

'Six different chefs in six months and they still can't make a decent broth!'

"The food was o.k., but the atmosphere was terrible."

Learn to Be a Critic In The Privacy Of Your Own Home With The Apex Correspondence School Of Criticism!

"Hey, waiter! This homework is burnt to a crisp!"

"I've just been reincarnated, anyone here know what iphone we're up to?"

'...and one 'death by chocolate', Sir.'

"For the first half hour, I was, like, really there. Enchanted. But I found the wild-quail confit so disappointing that not even the fig reduction on the poached pear could get me back."

"Oh sorry, those are the Ten Commandments. Hang on, I'll get you a menu."

"We suggest you study the menu in our reading room before being seated in the dining room."

No, no, Grok, we love your creative voice! Ort is just here to do a little punch-up.

"And finally the chef's surprise - the check!"

International House of Excrement

"I need a pitchfork that's just a pitchfork."

The Music Critic.

"Which should we go see: the straight romantic comedy where the heroine's best friend is a gay man, or the gay romantic comedy where the hero's best friend is a straight woman?"

"How did I find my lamb chop? Well, I lifted up a roast potato and there it was."

And so, Rudy unwittingly became an investor in The Infant Restaurant Critic. At first, he was furious having lost his weekly paycheck. But then it dawned on him: He was back in the dot-com game – for the first time in 20 years. He was practically a venture capitalist! I'm a social media investor. It's a multi-platform play with, obviously, huge mobile capability, global reach, soaring audience share. Revenue model? What? Huh? Beat it.

'Are you ready to be patronised yet?'

"Wow!"

Performance reviews in Hell.

Reviewing a Scientific Paper - Etiquette for References.

'I'd like to return this shredder.'