Wry Humor Fan Gifts

'I've not had enough sex in my life - and I can't do poetry for toffee. . .gosh, could I murder a coffee.'

'I didn't dedicate my book, A Lifetime of Wine Tasting, to my 3 ex-wives and nine kids, because they made it possible. I did it because they made it necessary.'

"I'm not here to slay you. I'm here to talk to you about diversifying your investment portfolio."

"It better not be any of that over oaked chardonnay."

"And this song goes out there to any girl who might consider sleeping with me."

Molecules You Ought to be Aware of.

'Taxes are going up, but that's no excuse to earn less, Mr. Syms.'

Odd Angles,a monthly strip on coarse angling.

"Don't shave it. It gives your face character."

'The world already ended, but the government hushed it up.'

Introducing...Anagraman.

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

Trump Poutine

Goat about goat: 'He's no longer gruff since he's been on Prozac.'

'Seriously, in this day and age, how can people still believe in this nonsense that we have evolved from microbes...?'

'-and you're living proof that ALL men are not born equal, runt!'

'We're going to need to find a scapegoat.'

Mystery Solved - Boxers or Briefs, 'Thanks but you could have just told me.'

'Check out the old dude.'

"Grapes, Rye, Malt... I got into this through my vegetarianism."

"If you think you made a stink pulling the fruit, try pulling His finger."

'What did I tell you? There's always a catch to those bargain internet travel fares...'

Scene from 'Night of the Koala'

Next year, we are NOT going to Costco.

"Sorry, dear... I don't have a pumpkin spiced flat white chai latte. I just have this one..."

'It's the same everywhere: body over brains.'

"Got any bathtub gin?"

US Credit: 'I'm down grading your credit rating...'

Winter Weather.

'In the computer simulation he said he admired my candor and gave me a raise.'

The Pencil and Sharpener

'F-E-E-D-T-H-E-D-O-G . . . Hey that's spooky! Why would your granddad say that?'

'Too many people in our state are overweight, Senator. They want fat-free pork.'

"I can't come in today, I'm feeling like myself."

"I sold my soul for about a tenth of what the damn things are going for now."