Wry Humor Fan Pillows

'I've not had enough sex in my life - and I can't do poetry for toffee. . .gosh, could I murder a coffee.'

'I didn't dedicate my book, A Lifetime of Wine Tasting, to my 3 ex-wives and nine kids, because they made it possible. I did it because they made it necessary.'

"It better not be any of that over oaked chardonnay."

Molecules You Ought to be Aware of.

"And this song goes out there to any girl who might consider sleeping with me."

Odd Angles,a monthly strip on coarse angling.

"Don't shave it. It gives your face character."

'Taxes are going up, but that's no excuse to earn less, Mr. Syms.'

'The world already ended, but the government hushed it up.'

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

'Seriously, in this day and age, how can people still believe in this nonsense that we have evolved from microbes...?'

'-and you're living proof that ALL men are not born equal, runt!'

'We're going to need to find a scapegoat.'

Introducing...Anagraman.

Trump Poutine

Mystery Solved - Boxers or Briefs, 'Thanks but you could have just told me.'

"Sorry, dear... I don't have a pumpkin spiced flat white chai latte. I just have this one..."

'It's the same everywhere: body over brains.'

Scene from 'Night of the Koala'

'Check out the old dude.'

"Grapes, Rye, Malt... I got into this through my vegetarianism."

'What did I tell you? There's always a catch to those bargain internet travel fares...'

"Got any bathtub gin?"

Winter Weather.

'In the computer simulation he said he admired my candor and gave me a raise.'

US Credit: 'I'm down grading your credit rating...'

The Pencil and Sharpener

"I sold my soul for about a tenth of what the damn things are going for now."

'Too many people in our state are overweight, Senator. They want fat-free pork.'

"POOPIN'! It's the Butt Signal!"

'It's a zen diaphragm.'

'Next Please...' (Joe's Sharpening Service).