Snarky Humor Fan Gifts

Who has two thumbs and

'In its new 'spirit of evenhandedness,' the U. S. Government today sent troops to occupy all foreign countries....'

"It better not be any of that over oaked chardonnay."

'Taxes are going up, but that's no excuse to earn less, Mr. Syms.'

'The world already ended, but the government hushed it up.'

'Seriously, in this day and age, how can people still believe in this nonsense that we have evolved from microbes...?'

'We're going to need to find a scapegoat.'

"I can never remember - do these go in garbage or compost?"

'-and you're living proof that ALL men are not born equal, runt!'

Trump Poutine

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

Trappist Monk Discord

'The government's right. Not counting, food, clothing, energy, shelter, health care, or transportation, inflation is hardly going up.'

"Grapes, Rye, Malt... I got into this through my vegetarianism."

'What did I tell you? There's always a catch to those bargain internet travel fares...'

"Nous somme desir-eh, go, er, allez, erm, universitaire français, s'il vous plait."

'What does it say, Dad?'

Winter Weather.

US Credit: 'I'm down grading your credit rating...'

HELLth Food Sprouts

'More government surveillance!'

'Too many people in our state are overweight, Senator. They want fat-free pork.'

"I sold my soul for about a tenth of what the damn things are going for now."

"Waiter, this is the worst meal I've ever tasted. And believe me, I've eaten some crap!"

'Here, we don't need a retirement plan. If you do your job as we want it, you'll directly go from your desk to hell.'

"The doctor is in court on Tuesdays and Wednesdays."

'And we'll give you all the carcinogens you can eat.'

'In today's market hyperbole was up sharply. Similes and metaphors held relatively steady with euphemisms hitting another record low.'

"Would you like to see the markup?"

'Would you do me the honour of becoming tax advantaged with me?'

"...in other news: Google has been admitted to the United Stations..."

The Thinker?

"I think I'm as patient as the next person, but my husband wouldn't stop saying 'yo,' so I shot him."

"There may be a moral equivalent of war, but, by God, there is not moral equivalent of money."

'I've had a few short stories published, but I'd really like to write 'the Great American How to Write a Novel.''